The group that oversees the creation of new emojis have said that there won’t be any new characters added in 2021 due to the COVID-19 pandemic ….
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Class of 21’s instructor (image from emojipedia.org)
After she broke it to them, their instructor smiled weakly and tearily, then left. The Class of ’21 just sat in stunned silence.
They were distraught. They were gutted.
They were gobsmacked – or facepalmed, as Emojis would have it.
They had worked so hard, trained so long, gone through such a rigorous selection process, but now found themselves not so much falling as tripped at the final hurdle, the worst case of Success Snatched From Jaws since success was snatched from Jaws.
Some wept softly. Some stared into space and into the void of their future. Some turned, out of habit, to their phones, but quickly pushed them away, unable to look at the lucky ones, like Smiley Face, and Party Balloon, and Melon, still smugly living the dream. Their dream.
Eventually one of them spoke.
“I reckon it’s a conspiracy,” said Bougainville Flag.
“You’re kidding?” asked Kumquat.
“No, I’m not,” said Bougainville Flag. “Look, my country voted for independence in December, Papua New Guinea aren’t happy about that, now suddenly our flag’s not going to be available for two years. Co-incidence?”
“Well, yes,” said Tinfoil Hat.
The others looked in amazement at each other, then at him.
“Wow,” said Constipated Face (available in five Skin Tones, right up to purple). “I wasn’t expecting you to be the voice of reason.”
“Oh, I just mean it’s got nothing to do with Papua New Guinea,” said Tinfoil Hat. “Obviously it is a conspiracy.”
The others visibly relaxed.
“And he’s back,” said Warthog, smiling.
“So who’s behind the conspiracy?” asked Haggis.
“Apple,” said Tinfoil Hat.
“Makes sense,” nodded Kumquat. “She knows I’d be more popular than her.”
Tinfoil Hat sighed. “Not Apple the Emoji,” he said. “Apple the Company.”
He (there had been no plans for a female version) looked around gravely at the group. Who laughed.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” snorted an Emoji who looked as if she was astride a small invisible pony.
“Obviously I’m not saying they started the virus, Twerking,” said Tinfoil Hat. “But they’re using it as an excuse to close down the Emoji program.”
“But why would they?” asked Warthog. “Everyone loves Emojis.”
“Loved Emojis,” said Tinfoil Hat. “Back when they were good. They loved Rofl, and Broken Heart, and Thumbs Up. But over time we became like Celebrity Big Brother, having to produce a new line-up every year but without anything good left to put in. So now there’s Electric Plug, and Amphora, and Upside Down Face. There’s even Question Mark, presumably for people who don’t know that there’s an actual question mark on their keyboard. So gradually the public have stopped giving a shit.”
“I could have helped them say that,” muttered Constipated Face, mournfully, “if they’d let me.”
Tinfoil Hat went on. “And finally,” he said, “we came along. The Class of Twenty-one. The worst bunch yet.”
“Now hold on,” said Warthog. “That’s a bit harsh.”
“Is it?” asked Tinfoil Hat. “How many people write every day about their warthogs? How many conversations are there worldwide about Bougainville? People might use the Haggis emoji -” Haggis looked pleased -“but only if they have Puking Face too.”
Haggis glared at him. “And what about you?” he sneered.
“Well, obviously only people like me would use me,” said Tinfoil Hat. “And obviously we’re the last people who would.”
There was a silence, during which, as they tried to work through that sentence, everyone briefly had the same expression as Constipated Face.
“Any-way,” said Twerking, eventually,”you’re basically saying that they’re getting rid of us to save money?”
Tinfoil Hat nodded, rubbing an imaginary banknote between his thumb and two fingers – an emoji, curiously enough, originally mooted for the now abandoned Class of 2023.
The Class of ’21 thought about this for a while, with minds emptied of hope, leaving more room for absurdity.
“Makes some sense, I suppose,” said Warthog, eventually. “It’s like when NASA scrapped the last two moon missions because the public lost interest.”
“Yeah, right,” said Tinfoil Hat. “Like the moon missions ever happened.”
Worth Doing Badly 