Tag Archives: Xjrui

Watching Them Watching Us

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is “Tellurian”, and yes, I did have to look it up….


“So what are they like?” asked Avin.

“Well, the Tellurians are roughly the same shape as us,” said her husband, Dano, “though they’re not green. They’re come in a variety of colours, like paint. Look, I’ll show you.”

The family stared eagerly at the wall,. They loved it when Dano returned from one of his field trips to other planets, other galaxies. They had been awestruck by the purple sunrises of Zemejs, entranced by the crystal butterflies of Gdhehe, revolted at the snot-based recipes of the people of Yjdiendu.

Dano wrote for Galactic Geographic, a publication rather like our own National one, though with less pictures of naked tribeswomen.

Dano concentrated his mind and a picture appeared on the wall. It was of a creature much like the watching Xjruians, though he was a strange shade of pink, had far smaller eyes and had what appeared to be a small carpet on his head. Their youngest child screamed.

“What’s that stuff on his head?” she asked.

“It’s called ‘hair’ apparently,” said Dano, and if you think they’re bad now, you’d want to see what they’re descended from.”

“They belong to a number of tribes,” he continued. “For example the Americans, who seem to rule everything, or the French, who look down on everything , or the Irish, who build everything.”

“What do they do all day?” asked Avin.

“Well, they toil for a while, as we do. Then during their leisure time they mostly gather in small buildings called “pubs” and talk.”

“About what?”

“Generally about the climactic conditions of the day,” said Dano. “It’s odd – there are only two possible types – dry and wet, yet they are fascinated each day by the fact that one of these occurs.”

“They don’t sound the brightest,” said their eldest child.

“They aren’t. They think that Saturn is a planet. I mean, it’s surrounded by a giant parking lot, could it be any more obvious that it’s a space station?”

“Do they, er..” asked Avin, quietly so that the children wouldn’t hear.

As you will have seen in pictures, the Xjuians do not have genitalia (just because it’s a stereotype doesn’t mean it isn’t true). Their own children grow in pods in their back garden and they are always horrified, and a little envious, of the methods of reproduction used on other worlds.

“They do,” said Dano, “like bunnies.”

Avin had no idea what a bunny was, but the meaning of the sentence was so clear that she’d have turned green with jealously had that option been open to her.

“Will they ever come here?” asked their youngest child, a little fearfully.

“Not any time soon,” said Dano. “They’ve only ever visited their own moon, and it took them four days to get there.”

The children sniggered. Their own five moons were effectively their suburbs, with regular shuttle services.

“Don’t laugh at them just because they’re primitive,” said Avin. “Remember, there was a time when our ancestors believed that Xjrui was dodecahedron-shaped.”

“So what are you going to write about the Tellurians?” asked their eldest.

“They don’t call it Telluria,” said Dano, “they call it Earth.”

“What, like dirt?” gasped their eldest child.


“Self-esteem issues, obviously,” said Avin. “After all, it’s not easy not being green.”

Different Worlds

I have written occasionally about visits here by aliens from the planet Xjrui, a planet whose name originated back at the start of this blog time itself by typing a capital X and then hitting four keys at random.

Anyway, my old friend Spellcheck is a UFO sceptic. It has never heard of Xjrui and suggests that I meant one of five alternatives: Jury, X-ray, Jurua, Judi and Xerox (seriously, if Spellcheck thinks that I typed “Xjrui” when I meant to type “Jury” then it must think that I type in boxing gloves while standing on a ball).

What Spellcheck doesn’t realise is that, not only does Xrjui exist, but that each of his five suggestions are also planets. Here is a brief summary of their chief characteristics:

Jury is, you will not be surprised to hear, a planet whose citizens are devoted to justice. All crimes lead to a trial by jury. At least they would do if there were any crimes, but since any crime is punishable by exemption from jury duty, Jurists refuse to commit any. There are judges on Jury, and they do have to wear the wig that looks as if it’s made from Brillo Pads and Shredded Wheat, but their only function is to bang their gavel in empty courtrooms whenever it’s lunchtime. The job is thus disheartening and depressing, and the phrase “sober as a judge” did not originate on Jury.

On the planet X-Ray everyone is thin. Skeletal, in fact. They love to gather around the TV in the evenings and watch Sex and the City (which they pick up via their satellite dishes), laughing uproariously at how fat the four women are. They are hopeless at photography, and every holiday snap they take turns out as a blurry picture of just one limb. It is impossible to tell one X-ranian from another, and also impossible to tell what type of mood they are in, because of their permanent rictus grin.

Jurua on earth is a tributary river of the Amazon (yes, ok, I did have to Google it), but the beautifully named planet of the same name is itself beautiful, with sapphire-blue oceans, majestic waterfalls and spectacular rainbows. All of these are due to the astonishing deluges of sheet-like rain that fall twenty-nine hours a day, twelve days a week. When Kiki Dee sang that she could hear the rainfall of another planet, it was the sound of the rain on Jurua, over four galaxies away.

The planet Judi is populated by cousins of the Jedi (Spellcheck does not recognise the word Jedi, by the way, for which it has risen enormously in my estimation). A gentle, peaceful people, they had no time for the clashes with the Empire and moved away to a planet of their own. They are scorned by real Jedi, among whom their nickname is the Darth Evaders.

Xerox is a planet with a somewhat unique method of reproduction (women who complain about the pain of childbirth should try suffering from paper-jam). It is believed that they visited this planet many years ago, and that they are responsible for the two-dimensional drawings on the walls of Egyptian tombs. Psychologist believe that the visit has embedded itself deep on our communal psyche, and explains why porn movies always feature a photocopier repairman.