Tag Archives: nursery rhymes

A Tail Of Woe

“What made them blind, Daddy?”

“Er, I don’t know, Sweetie. Anyway, see how they run-“

“How could they run if they were blind?”

“Um, maybe radar?”

“That’s bats.”

“Now hold on, young lady –“

“No, it’s bats that use radar. Miss Buckley said.”

“Oh.”

“So how could the mice run?”

“Maybe they could still make out shapes.”

“Like zombies?”

“Um, I don’t think zombies are blind –“

“Zombies are dead, Daddy. They must be blind.”

“Look, maybe this story’s a bit too scary. How about-”

“No, go on about the zombie mice. What happened next?”

“Ok. Well, they all ran after the farmer’s wife –“

“What?! Mice chase you?”

“No. Definitely not.”

“But they’re chasing her.”

“Maybe they don’t like her.”

“What if they didn’t like me?”

“Of course they’d like you, Honey. Everyone loves you. Anyway, she cut off their tails –“

“What?”

“She cut off their tails with a carving knife.”

“But.., but.., but they were nice mice. You said they liked me.”

“Well, yes, but -”

“So it turns out, when she ran away first, she was just going to get a concealed weapon.”

“I suppose she – where did you learn that phrase?”

Paw Patrol. Anyway, basically she tricked them. She lured them after her then pounced. She’s a wicked old woman.”

“Really? She’s usually seen as the hero of this story.”

“Well, she isn’t. She’s like the witch that trapped Hansel and Gretel. In fact, I bet she’s the one who blinded them in the first place.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t-”

“I bet she did. Stabbed them in the eyes with her stupid knife.”

“Yuck.”

“What happened next?”

“Um, don’t know really. It just says ‘did you ever see such a thing in your life’ and then ‘Three Blind Mice’ again. It’s a bit lame, to be honest.”

“I bet they kept after her.”

“I’m sure they didn’t.”

“I bet they did. That’s what zombies do. They couldn’t see but they just kept coming, and now they had no tails but they would’ve just kept coming, and then she’d have cut off their heads and they’d have just kept coming, and she’d have run and run till there was nowhere to run to, and then she’d have fallen into her own mousetrap and they’d have eaten her like cheese.”

“Now, honey, don’t go scaring your-“

“Serves her right.”

“Oh. Well, good night, Sweetie. You’re not too frightened to sleep, are you?”

“Of course not, Daddy. That was the best story ever. What’s tomorrow?”

“Humpty Dumpty.”

“Is he a zombie?”

“No. Actually, come to think of it, probably yes, in the end.”

Globe Trotters

The first little piggy went to the market.

Why he did this is unclear. Country markets chiefly sell farm-produced fruit and vegetables, of which he would surely have had a ready supply. Pigs have little need of potted pickles, home-made jam, craft jewellery or scented candles, unless he was hoping that a few of the latter might improve the smell of the sty.

The second little piggy stayed at home, wallowing in the mud, presumably content with her lot. As happy as a pig in shit, in fact.

The third little piggy had roast beef. Favourite child.

“This little piggy got none”. There are no five sadder words in all of literature. The fourth little piggy is the animal kingdom’s Cinderella, watching on enviously while her siblings have all of the fun.

Or all of the terror. We are ignorant – pig ignorant – of what the fifth little piggy encountered, and while we can take some comfort from the fact that he did make it home, we can only imagine the dread that caused him to yell “wee, wee, wee” all the way there. What did he see? The wolf from the story about their three cousins? Zombies? A sausage factory?

Families. All so alike, yet all so different, with such different paths.

 

Ride a Cock Bike

The reason for the above title (aside from the obvious and shameless attempt to get more blog-hits) is that I’ve read about a survey commissioned by charity organisation Booktrust. It seems that nursery rhymes are in danger of dying out, as parents no longer read them to their children.

Apparently they believe they are old-fashioned. We’ll have to update them so.

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Doctor Foster went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle
And sued the Council for pain.
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Twinkle, twinkle, hopeful star,
Went and sang on X-Factor.
Dreamt of being gigantic,
Sang the song from Titanic.
Simon said you’ll not go far,
Now you’re working back in Spar.
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This little banker played the Market
This little banker bought ten homes
This little banker came to grief
His plans all came undone.
So this little banker cried “wee, wee, wee”
Till we paid off his loans.
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I’m a little teapot, short and stout –
Because my meds are running out.
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Little Miss Muffet
Invented the Tuffet
And brought it on Dragons’ Den
The Dragons had doubts, and all said “I’m out”
And now she’s on welfare again.
***************************************************************************
Make a claim for sixpence
For travel to Dubai,
Limo trips, and Porters’ tips,
And meals of Oyster Pie.
But now the junket’s over,
The public says “that’s that,
You greedy slob, you’ve lost your job,
Now hire your own Top Hat.”
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Oh, the Grand Old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men –
Yes, lots of dates, but he used Mates,
To STD prevent.

Next verse (*sigh*) –

And when they were up, they were up…..