Tag Archives: navel fluff

Handbags and Sad Tags

The page that appears after you have published something in WordPress to tell you that you’re “far-out!“ (or “Boss!” as it told me yesterday) does more than just that. It lists the tags and categories you used in a post that you published just half-a-second earlier, implying that you have the memory of a goldfish, and then says “to get more traffic, why not add these tags:”

Some of their suggestions are quite bizarre. After my “Autumn” photo challenge, for example, it suggested that I add “bales of hay”.

And after my post a couple of days ago about the perfect sandwich its suggestions were “toasted cheese“, “lava lamp“, “French stick“, “film character“…. and “navel fluff“.

Do they really believe that they will get me more traffic? I mean, just who would be loser enough to Google “navel fluff”?

Anyway, I have Googled “navel fluff”.

There is a Wikipedia site, of course, a font of information for those of us who would not otherwise know what navel fluff is. It tells us that it is also known as navel lint, belly button lint, belly button fluff and pupik lint. While I might have guessed at the others I didn’t know the last one, though I can’t see myself using it in conversation, I’d have to explain what I was talking about and it would look as if I was showing off, and a man who has to show off about about knowing an esoteric word for navel fluff is a man in need of professional help.

The scary thing is that it is not the first site on the list. It is topped by Graham Barker’s Navel Fluff Collection, which is “the incredible world of navel fluff (lint), featuring the world’s biggest and longest-term collection of an individual’s navel fluff, with photos”.

I have not clicked into the site. There are some dark places where a man just should not go.

Anyway, I have added the suggested tags, and if I find that people really are coming here after typing “navel fluff” then future posts will also include the tags “earwax” and “toenail clippings”.

After all, even if all I all I attract are nutters, traffic is traffic.

Expensive Tastes

I’ve missed the WordPress topics while I’ve been studying. This one’s a real gem:
“Describe the perfect sandwich. You have up to $5,000 to spend. Be creative.”

Five thousand dollars is about four thousand euro. I have owned eight cars during my lifetime and only two of them have cost more than this.

I think that the only way to tackle the topic (other than to laugh scornfully and write about something else) is to take a sandwich that I like and see what more expensive foodstuff might replace each ingredient. I am going therefore for the toasted-cheese-and-ham-on-white-bread, which will now receive the Pimp my Sandwich treatment.

White bread is very cheap, mainly because it has all the nutritional value of navel fluff. I will have to replace it with one of those French sticks that protrude from every shopping bag during every movie (interestingly no film character has ever been seeing eating one of them, opting instead for takeaway Chinese or pizza, which makes you wonder why they bother shopping in the first place). The cost of a French stick is less than two dollars, which leaves a long way to go, though by baking it in French wine and escargots it may be possible to raise the price to a tenner.

Toasting a sandwich in a toaster costs about two cents in electricity, so I will toast mine over a live volcano. This will involve buying climbing-gear, a tent and, in order that I can see to blog at night, a lava lamp. That last sentence is there solely in the hope that I will be fined by the Joke Police, which will help increase the cost.

There are more species of cheesies on this planet than there are of insects, but, while some are dearer than others, few of them will burn much of a hole in my five grand (actually that‘s not strictly true, some of them are so toxic that they might). I’m opting for caviar-and-saffron brie, and I’m opting for it in Easi-Singles, purely because of the additional cost of packaging each individual slice.

Virtually every animal on earth is more exotic than pig so replacing the ham with something more expensive should be a doddle, but each possibility has its drawbacks. Penguin would taste of fish. Panda may have bits of bamboo in it. Lion might contain nuts, possibly those of an antelope.

I am going for rhino. After all, crushed rhino-horn is very expensive, so just imagine what a whole crushed rhino must cost.

So:

French stick:                                        10.00
Climbing-gear, etc:                              500.00
Lava-lamp fine:                                    750.00
Caviar-and-saffron brie:                           70.00
Packaging of the cheese:                     120.00
Rhino:                                              1,500.00
If time is money, the cost
of the time wasted in writing this:        2,000.00
The cost of the time that at least
one of you will have spent checking
that all this added up to $5,000:              50.00

Total:                                              $5,000.00

Or I might just spend a fiver on a toasted ham-and-cheese sandwich and fly to Barbados to eat it there.