Tag Archives: life in the future

The Future is Coming

Make a prediction about life in 2021, asks WordPress
  • The word “ohmygod” will be officially recognised in the Oxford English Dictionary.
  • A house will cost €4000, but no-one will be able to afford one.
  • Films will be available in 4D. As the fourth dimension is time, this means that if ten years pass during the story you will come out of the cinema ten years older.
  • Do not watch Demolition Man in 4D.
  • Ryan Giggs, then aged 47, will sign a further one-year contract with Manchester United.
  • Twitter will have a shorter version, Twit, with a maximum of 20 characters, 10 of which will be !!!!!!!!!!
  • In the event of an emergency Ryanair will have a €50 charge for sliding down that rubber chute (I’d pay it, too, it looks like fun).
  • Gillette’s new razor will have 11 blades.
  • Walkers Crisps will bring out a range of retro flavours such as cheese-and-onion and salt-and-vinegar.
  • There will only be three people left on the planet who have never been contestants on the X-Factor, and they are the three judges.
  • After four-door cars and five-door cars, there will be six-door cars. The sixth door will be in the floor, so that you can stick your feet out and drive a la Fred Flintstone, because
  • Petrol will be €400 a litre, because
  • People will still not have financed my invention of a car that runs on baby-sick, a never-ending resource.
  • Boyzone, now all in their 40s, will be forced to change their name under the Trade Descriptions Act.
  • Their latest song will be one of those featured on Now That’s What I Call Music 492.
  • When pacemakers came out first they were the size of hockey pucks. My current one is the size of a cigarette lighter. My next one, due in about eight years, will be the size of a button, but will run on a nuclear battery powerful enough to reduce County Wicklow to dust if I burp.
  • Fizzy drinks will be banned in County Wicklow.
  • As all the seas are toxic and fish are poisonous it will be permissible to eat meat on Fridays, according to Pope Laura.
  • A hideously-aged portrait of Cliff Richard will be discovered in his attic.
  • The investigation into fraud at Anglo Irish Bank will be ongoing.
  • Having got smaller and smaller through the 80s and 90s and then bigger and bigger as more functions were added, the mobile phone will now be the size it was in 1984.
  • At a press conference it will be announced that Karaoke, Wii Fit and Super Mario Brothers will all be recognised sports in the 2024 Olympics.
  • The TV programmes on Dave will have reached 2002
  • Bloggers will be venerated, and will be invited to give blog readings, for being able to write articles of more than 500 words.
  • Lady Gaga, having been decorated by the Queen (yes, the same one, her mum lived to be 102 after all) for services to music, will now be know as Lady Lady Gaga.
  • Kylie will be 49, and will still have a great bum.

Frozen in Time

Down in my local (the source of my solace and, increasingly, my material) one of the guys reckons he’s going to get himself cryogenically frozen, so he can be revived in 100 years after they invent a procedure to cure whatever it is he dies of.

This idea has been doing the rounds for many years now. It is widely believed that Walt Disney had himself preserved in this way, though this is in fact untrue (which is a pity, for if it were true then Disney on Ice would surely have been the most tastelessly named show of all time).

The notion is very popular with people who have seen a lot of Sci-Fi, and who believe that the only differences between 2108 and now are that in 2108 everyone will wear one-piece tacky clothing, that machines will speak in soothing female voices and that people will drive really cool cars on surprisingly clear roads. The cryonees will awake, cash in their substantially-increased nest-egg, and slip effortlessly into society.

The sheer awfulness of the reality could not be more different. Just imagine that you had done  this in 1908 – after dying of pneumonia or flu, the two biggest killers at that time, at the average life-expectancy age of 47 – and were awakened today. Ireland is a very different place. The British are gone, our currency is different (indeed, the decimal currency has come and gone during your Big Sleep) and the entire culture has dramatically changed. How would you deal with cars, computers, TV, mobile ringtones, showers instead of (infrequent) baths, pooing indoors?

Olympics 1908 style

Olympics 1908 style

Yelena - again

Yelena - again

Speaking to women in the way you were accustomed to will now earn you a smack in the face. The world’s first female mayor was elected in 1908, but women still didn’t have the vote. <- This photo shows the archery team at the 1908 olympics. What would you make of the way athletes like Yelena Isinbayeva – sure let’s show a picture of her – dressed in this years? How could you watch the beach volleyball without having a seizure?

Leg of what?

Leg of what?

Imagine shopping. In 1908 marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores in the US. Good luck with trying to buy some today. Everything else in the shops would be a nightmare. “Where can I buy a strop for my razor?” “Call these underpants? They don’t cover my legs.” What is a skinny latté? Sushi? Broccoli? Imagine the first time you went to a kebab shop. One look at that thing revolving behind the counter would give you nightmares for ever. If that’s lamb, how bloody big are the sheep these days?

Even when you thought you were right, you’d be wrong. You’d look at a map of Europe, see all the same little countries that were there in 1908, and think “well, at least world politics stayed stable while I was gone.”

The Taoiseach

The Taoiseach

So now imagine that you do it today, and wake in 2108.  Getting the one-piece tacky clothing will be fine, as long as Champion Sports is still in business, but I haven’t enough imagination to predict all the other changes, and I don’t think anyone else has either. There may be robots, we might all live in the ocean, or on the moon. Global warming may have dramatically changed the planet, or it might all have turned out to be crap.

There are one or two things you can be sure of, though. The life-expectancy will now be 147, so you’ll have to work to support yourself. What will you be qualified to do? Exactly. Welcome to your job in Spar.

There will be four thousand TV channels, all showing Premier League Soccer. The only programme you will recognize will be Coronation Street, but of course all of the characters will be different, apart from Ken Barlow.

Classical music radio stations will feature the works of Dylan, Led Zeppelin and, rather strangely, McFly.

The average height of a human grew by 8cm (almost 3 inches) in the last 100 years, so if that trend continues everyone in 2108 will be taller than you.

And as the number of Christians is declining and the number of Muslims and Hindus is rising, you will by then be a member of a minority religion, if someone hasn’t proven it all to be rubbish by then.

So there you will be in 2108 – a talentless, shortarse member of a religion no-one believes in.

A sort of 22nd Century Tom Cruise.