Tag Archives: lava lamp

Expensive Tastes

I’ve missed the WordPress topics while I’ve been studying. This one’s a real gem:
“Describe the perfect sandwich. You have up to $5,000 to spend. Be creative.”

Five thousand dollars is about four thousand euro. I have owned eight cars during my lifetime and only two of them have cost more than this.

I think that the only way to tackle the topic (other than to laugh scornfully and write about something else) is to take a sandwich that I like and see what more expensive foodstuff might replace each ingredient. I am going therefore for the toasted-cheese-and-ham-on-white-bread, which will now receive the Pimp my Sandwich treatment.

White bread is very cheap, mainly because it has all the nutritional value of navel fluff. I will have to replace it with one of those French sticks that protrude from every shopping bag during every movie (interestingly no film character has ever been seeing eating one of them, opting instead for takeaway Chinese or pizza, which makes you wonder why they bother shopping in the first place). The cost of a French stick is less than two dollars, which leaves a long way to go, though by baking it in French wine and escargots it may be possible to raise the price to a tenner.

Toasting a sandwich in a toaster costs about two cents in electricity, so I will toast mine over a live volcano. This will involve buying climbing-gear, a tent and, in order that I can see to blog at night, a lava lamp. That last sentence is there solely in the hope that I will be fined by the Joke Police, which will help increase the cost.

There are more species of cheesies on this planet than there are of insects, but, while some are dearer than others, few of them will burn much of a hole in my five grand (actually that‘s not strictly true, some of them are so toxic that they might). I’m opting for caviar-and-saffron brie, and I’m opting for it in Easi-Singles, purely because of the additional cost of packaging each individual slice.

Virtually every animal on earth is more exotic than pig so replacing the ham with something more expensive should be a doddle, but each possibility has its drawbacks. Penguin would taste of fish. Panda may have bits of bamboo in it. Lion might contain nuts, possibly those of an antelope.

I am going for rhino. After all, crushed rhino-horn is very expensive, so just imagine what a whole crushed rhino must cost.


French stick:                                        10.00
Climbing-gear, etc:                              500.00
Lava-lamp fine:                                    750.00
Caviar-and-saffron brie:                           70.00
Packaging of the cheese:                     120.00
Rhino:                                              1,500.00
If time is money, the cost
of the time wasted in writing this:        2,000.00
The cost of the time that at least
one of you will have spent checking
that all this added up to $5,000:              50.00

Total:                                              $5,000.00

Or I might just spend a fiver on a toasted ham-and-cheese sandwich and fly to Barbados to eat it there.