Tag Archives: barbie and ken

Weekly Photo Challenge: Curves

Another of Tinman’s camera-free attempts at the WordPress Photo Challenge….


The Ambassador’s Ball was in full swing.

Men in dress-suits looked like penguins, women in ball-gowns looked like wedding-cakes, Ferraro Rocher in pyramids looked like piles of golden sheep-poo.

And in her own dress, almost princess-like in its beauty, Secret Agent Barbie fitted in perfectly.

She always did. No matter where the mission was – an après-ski, a gymkhana, a Hells Angels rally, Barbie had an outfit for the occasion.

Double-Oh-Seven may have had his Walther PPK, but Agent Thirty-Four-Double-D was unrivalled as a mistress of disguise.

Now she slipped un-noticed from the ballroom and into the small billiard-room (another type of ball room, I suppose) where she was to met her contact.

She had hoped it wouldn’t be him, but it was.

“Hello, Curves,” said Action Man.

That was what all the other agents called him. He was the archetypal alpha-male agent – a tough, wise-cracking womaniser. Barbie was his total opposite (especially about the womanising, much to the disappointment of Secret Agent Sindy and a generation of boys who’d have played much more enthusiastically with their sister’s dolls).

She always called him by his real name, Ken, just to annoy him. She tried to hate him, but it was hard not to be drawn to his perfect hair and his piercing blue eyes. Even now, though she tried not to, she found herself gazing longingly at his six-pack.

He gave her one.

She took the beer that he had offered her (I can’t help what you were thinking), sat down on the sofa and casually crossed her legs, or at least tried to.

“Our mission, Curves -” he began.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that, Ken,” she said.

“It’s just that you have such an amazing figure,” he said, leering openly at her. “Are those boobs real?”

“As real as the rest of me,” Barbie assured him.

“Wow,” he said. “Well, anyway, our mission is to go to Russia and steal the plans for Squirlsh.”

“What’s that? Some sort of poison?” asked Barbie.

“No, it’s some sort of fruit drink,” said Ken. “The Russians plan to flood the market with it, This would severely damage the sales of Robinson’s Barley Water, and since the end of the Cold War MI5 will take work from anyone.”

Two days later, having been shot at, car-chased and had raspberries blown at them (through a blow-pipe, the fruit-drink market is highly competitive), they were in the Squirlsh laboratory in Moscow. While Barbie, in her Lab-coat outfit, fought off her Russian counterpart, the evil Babushka (whose disguises weren’t in the same league as Barbie’s, since when she whipped off her mask she had exactly the same face underneath), Ken fiddled with the machines until they began to smoulder and spark, and a voice started intoning “T-minus twenty seconds, and counting.”

Barbie and Ken escaped just before the whole lab exploded, and an hour later sat in her hotel suite grinning at one another. The whole adventure had been a bonding experience for them, meaning that they both felt like James Bond.

“I suppose we have to get off with each other now,” said Barbie.

“Really?” said Ken.

“It’s obligatory at the end of a mission,” said Barbie. “It’s in the handbook.”

She started to walk towards the bedroom. “I’m just going to slip in something more comfortable,” she said. At the door she turned and looked at him.

“Come on, Action Man,” she said. “It’s time you met Catwoman Barbie.”

Living Doll

The recent marital problems of couples like Ronan & Yvonne Keating, Cheryl & Ashley Cole and Tiger & Elin Woods just emphasise how hard it is to maintain a celebrity relationship. I am reminded of the sad tale of one of the most famous couples of all…


The girl we all know as Barbie was born Barbara Millicent Roberts (seriously, look it up), and was the quintessential Daddy’s girl. While she was not as bright as her sister, Margaret Hilda, who went to the UK and took up politics, her adoring father still spared no expense on her education, so that by the age of 17 she already had a pilot’s licence, a black-belt in judo and the ability to say “dressing up is fun!” in 22 languages.

Having been blessed with a remarkably pert bust and legs that went on forever it was no surprise that she took up modelling, and it was during a TV commercial shoot that she first met Ken Carson. Ken was a struggling young actor who’d had a few small roles – he’d been rescued by the Thunderbirds, blown up by Team America and, wearing a false wig and moustache, had spent six months as the Swedish chef in The Muppet Show. They went for dinner a few times (Barbie got to wear some of her best frocks) and soon became girlfriend and boyfriend.

Their first vacation together was not a success, as it exposed the fact that they had totally different interests. Barbie spent the holiday horse-riding, water-skiing, lion-hunting, kayaking, bull-fighting, space-shuttle driving and, bizarrely, rickrolling (get your Rick Astley Barbie, only €22.99), while Ken sat moodily at the pool oiling his abs and nursing a hernia, since he’d been the one who’d had to carry her suitcases.

The real problem, though, was that Ken couldn’t handle being with a woman more successful than he was. After all, Barbie was the most recognisable skinny girl on the planet (eat your heart out, SJP), while most people wouldn’t be able to pick Ken out of a line-out consisting only of him, Captain Scarlet and Alec Baldwin. Furthermore, his association with her was affecting his acting career, as he was now being offered only the kind of roles that had previously gone to Hugh Grant. Depressed, he turned to heavily to drink. Suddenly Ken having a six-pack was no longer a good thing, so the couple decided to split, which they announced through their publicity agents, Mattel (they couldn’t afford Max Clifford).

See the resemblance?

Things turned out pretty well in the end for Ken, though. After a wild period during which he had a string of girlfriends, including Sindy, one of the Bratz and Florence from The Magic Roundabout, he then amazed everyone by finding true love – with a gonk (that’s her over there ->). In time they settled down and got married, and eventually had twin boys, whom they named John and Edward.

And what of Barbie? Well, she turned 50 last year and still looks as beautiful as ever, though some say this is due to plastic surgery (in fairness to Barbie, it’s the only kind can she get). In recent times she has been seen in the company of Action Man. While he is 7 years her junior he shares her passion for dangerous and adventurous pursuits, with a separate outfit for each one. He is also still single, so Barbie’s adoring fans may yet have their deepest wish, and she may yet get to wear her most special dress of all.

She’d want to hurry, though. Rumour is that Lara Croft has her eye on him.