Tag Archives: All year Christmas

Let Nothing You Dismay

Radio channel Christmas FM rebranded itself, just for this week, as Kissmas FM….  

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Mike put his hands over his ears. Here it comes, he thought.

Slade had just started their final rendition of the chorus “So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody’s having fun,” and Noddy Holder was about to bawl out “It’s Chrisss-musss!!!” just as he did everyday.

Every. Day.

In a world of year-round Christmas shops, year-round Christmas movie channels and year-round Christmas adverts (“only three-hundred and sixty-four days to go!”) it was inevitable that somebody would come up with a year-round Christmas radio station, catering to Yuletide obsessives, to people who like to make-believe, even in mid-June, that the bells are ringin’ out for Christmas Day.

Mike had been a DJ at Christmas FM for four years now. Four years of playing Frosty the Snowman. Four years of playing Jingle Bell Rock. Four years of playing Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

Lucky Grandma, thought Mike. Noddy’s yelling finished, the song came to its slow, harmonic end, and Mike turned to his microphone.

“That was Slade with Merry Christmas Everybody,” he said, “and next up-” he looked down at his playlist, and sighed inwardly – “we have Cliff Richard’s Mistletoe and Wine.”

He stared gloomily out of the window as Cliff blathered away about logs on the fire and gifts on the tree (seriously, Cliff, thought Mike, you can’t put a PlayStation on a tree). The job was getting to him. He couldn’t hear somebody mention a list without mentally adding ‘checking it twice’. He would describe the traffic on his commute as ‘top-to-toe in tailbacks’. He was starting to pronounce ‘sleigh-bells’, like in White Christmas, with four syllables.

Roy Wood had once sung that he wished it could be Christmas everyday. Trust me, Roy, thought Mike, you really don’t.

Just as Cliff’s song ended Mike’s producer came into the small studio. Mike looked at him in surprise, but carried on with his job. “Wasn’t that wonderful?” he said into his microphone. “Now we have -” (he could feel a small piece of his soul die) “- Elton John with Step Into Christmas. Stay tuned right here to Christmas FM, where the weather outside is always frightful.”

He saw his producer frown but looked placidly at him. “Hi,” said Mike. “What’s up?”

“Well,” said his producer, “listenership figures are down a bit” (Mike kept his expression carefully neutral) “so we’ve come up with an idea.”

“Really?” said Mike.

“Yes,” said his producer. “Since it’s Valentine’s Day this week, we’re going to rebrand ourself, just for seven days, as Kissmas FM.”

Mike’s heart soared. He could play Someone Like You. He could play Unchained Melody. He could play Angie.

“This is a great idea -” he began, then realised, too late, that the producer had eyes full of tinsel and fire.

“Yes,” said the producer. “You’re to play I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus on a continuous loop.”