Hello, Tinman. I’m a UK citizen with a few questions, and I’ve heard that you know a lot about politics, so can I ask you?
I think you’re mixing me up with Paxman, but sure go ahead anyway.
Ok. I’ve heard that we triggered Article 50 last week. What does that mean?
It means you’re leaving the EU.
I thought we did that last summer.
No, last summer you told your politicians that you wanted to leave.
Then why has it taken so long?
Politicians act very, very, slowly. For example, have you ever asked your local councillors for a pedestrian crossing in your village?
I get your point. I’ve heard we have to pay £50 billion to get out. What’s that about?
It’s like the Departure Tax that you pay at airports, only for a whole country.
Speaking of airports, will I still be able to bring 800 fags back from Ibiza?
No, though you will be able to drink duty-free on the plane.
What about getting European stuff here? Will I be still be able to buy French Fries?
Why would you want to? Buy chips!
What about Mars Bars?
Mars is not actually a member of the EU, so there’ll be no change.
Is it true that I can get an Irish passport?
Depends. Are you any good at soccer?
Isn’t it going to be awkward, having Ireland still in the EU, but further away then us?
I believe they’re thinking about a kind of house-swap, where we’ll move to Britain and you’ll move here. We’ll get the London Eye, and Stonehenge, and Glastonbury, and you’ll get, well, rain mostly. And Termonfeckin.
But I like where I live now, though I admit I’d like it more if they’d put in the bloody pedestrian crossing we asked for ten years ago. The idea sounds nuts. Our Foreign Secretary would never agree to anything so daft.
And your Foreign Secretary is?
It’s Boris – oh.
Will Brexit affect us in the Eurovision Song Contest?
No, you still won’t win.
I’ve heard that there will be a lot less red tape. Is that true?
In the beginning, perhaps, but it is likely that some British company will spot that there is now a shortage of red tape, and will rush to fill the gap.
So this will be good for British manufacturing?
Of red tape, certainly.
I’m an Arsenal fan. Will Arsene Wenger have to quit as manager?
Damn. Ok, one last question.
What do Nicola Sturgeon and Theresa May’s legs have to do with any of this?