Sidey’s weekend theme is “Characters from an epic tale” and comes with this helpful chart:
Act 1, Scene 1.
In the Throne Room of The Royal Palace (what other type of palace is there?). The King and The Queen are being entertained by The Dancing Bear, a five-piece boy-band from Luton. The Hero enters.
The King: Well, met, young Hero! Hast thou completed thy quest?
The Hero: I hast. I travelled to the ancient land of Oregano, where I rescued the Lady Saffron from The evil Twins, Tumeric and Tarragon. And their Midget servant, Basil.
The Queen: And have you brought back gifts?
The Hero: Just one. (he motions, and The Guards lead in The Magic Cow. The Hero milks one of its udders, and hands a mug to The King). This is Strawberry and Banana Milkshake.
The Queen (snorting): Pull the other one.
The Hero: As you wish. (He milks the other udder, a line easier to type than to say. The Queen sinks the drink in one gulp, then belches loudly). Thou should have been less hasty, Your Majesty. That was lager and lime.
The King: We
had hasted haved planned another quest for you. The Messenger hath hast, oh, forget it, brought news of the Minotaur, a creature that is half-bull, half-Kylie-Minogue. I would have Kylie here, to sing to me.
The Queen (dreamily): and I would have the bull.
The Hero: What if Kylie is not the top half?
The Scarecrow (the court jester): Then she would be called to Taurmino, wouldn’t she? God, I don’t even have a brain and I know that.
The Hero: Very well, I will accept this quest.
The Queen: Just as well, it would have been a very short tale otherwise.
Act 1, Scene 2.
In the Hero’s quarters. The Hero is looking through photos, like Jim Phelps in Mission Impossible, to select the comrades who will accompany him. He picks the Knight for his bravery, The Escapist in case they need to escape, and The Sniper, to catch snipe for them to eat. He picks the Dandy (along with The Beano) for something to read on the way, and The Skeleton, in case they have to distract any wild dogs by throwing them bones.
Act 1, Scene 3.
Enter The Tart.
The Boy: If you say so.
(They exit, hand in hand).
Act 2, Scene 1.
They have had many adventures on the road. They have met the Wanderers, one of whom has a wheelbarrow full of dung while the other has a hump that makes Quasimodo’s look like a zit. They have met the Urchins, who sang at them in irritating mock-Cockney accents and then picked their pockets. They now meet The Pirate, who has The Monkey on his shoulder.
The Hero: What the Devil? Shouldn’t that be a parrot?
The Pirate: Have you any idea how much their talking gets on your nerves? And using The Devil in a sentence is cheating, by the way. Now, hand over your doubloons.
The Hero: But then I’d be The Nudist.
The Pirate: It doesn’t mean trousers, it means money. Now, hand it over.
The Hero: Never! Get him, men!
The Knight gallops at the Pirate, on horseback with a lance pointed in front of him, essentially polo without balls. The Pirate steps to one side and the Knight crashes into a tree. The Escapist escapes, and the Skeleton falls to pieces. The Pirate swings his sword menacingly above his head, and the Sniper shoots him, turning him into The Corpse.
The Hero: You copied that from Indiana Jones.
The Sniper: Yes, but it’s still funny every time you see it.
Act 2 Scene 2.
Enter the Hermit. Actually no, he doesn’t, because if he did he wouldn’t be a hermit.
Act 2 Scene 3.
An inn. The Visitors are sampling the local ale, as you do when on holiday. The Old Man seated at the bar is staring in horror at The Apparition, The Giant Cat, because that’s the kind of thing that happens if you drink rum all day. The Freaks are in a booth, kept away from the other customers, and if a story contains a Birdman, a Giant and a Hairy Beast yet you’re still regarded as The Freaks then you must be pretty hideous. The Husband and The Lover are jousting playfully with toy lightsabers before heading off to bed together (what, you thought he was the Wife’s Lover?). The Hero approaches the Innkeeper.
The Hero: Why is the inn called The Invalid and Nurse?
The Genius (the teller of this epic tale): How the hell else was I going to get them into the story?
Enter the Minotaur, singing “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”.
The Headless Man: I suppose she thinks that’s funny.
The Hero: I know you from somewhere, but I can’t place your face.
The Headless Man: You’re not the only one.
Enter the Necromancer, who turns the Minotaur fully into Kylie. She is now The Girl.
The Hero: We must wed. The Hero always gets The Girl.
The Prophet of Doom: The King and The Queen will not be happy. You will become the Convict.
The Three Witches: Don’t worry, we have plans for The King and The Queen.
Enter The Priest.
The Priest: Who has the ring?
The Ringmaster: I have one ring to bind them.
Enter The Golem.
The Golem: My precious!
The Hero (looking up out of the page): That’s not how you spell “Gollum”, you gobshite. (To The Girl): Bloody Hell, calls himself The Genius.
The Priest: What God has brought together let no man pull asunder.
The Floating Head: Fair enough. (Settles himself onto the shoulders of the Headless Man).
The Girl (linking arms with The Hero): Now is our wedding night. Let us become the Wrestlers, if thou knowst what I mean.
Cheering. Curtain. Applause.
The Metal Man: Oy! What about me?
The Genius: I didn’t need you. Go off and start a blog or something.