No Post Today

As the readership of my modest blog (it’s the blog that’s modest, not me, I’m brilliant) grows slowly larger, more and more of my friends and my family have discovered and are reading it. This is great, but has one disadvantage. I’m less likely to vent about the mental issues (I typed “metal issues” there by mistake, which if I’d not noticed it would have given the impression that my pacemaker was beginning to rust) that occasionally plague me if I know that it’s going to be read by people who think I’m a calm, cheerful ray of sunshine, a slightly less annoying version of Pollyanna.

I can’t write, for example, about the reasons why my posts are appearing at the moment less frequently than Halley’s Comet. I can’t use the excuse that it’s because I’m depressed again, more so than I have been for a couple of years now. I can’t write that I am massively stressed about work, even though there is nothing going on there to be massively stressed about.

I can’t write that all of this is affecting my sleep again, that I wake at ludicrous times and lie for hours thinking about work, about things that I can’t exactly fix while in bed at three o’clock in the morning and many of which don’t really need fixing anyway.

I can’t write that I woke on Saturday at three am and lay there until five, fell asleep for a while and then got up at seven-thirty. I can’t write that yesterday – Sunday – morning I woke at four and lay there until I eventually got up at six. Yes, six o’clock on a Sunday morning, a time that I had previously believed to be mythical, like the Wonder Years, Sheffield Wednesday and the Age of Aquarius.

I can’t write that I am writing this on the six o’clock train (the buses haven’t even started running yet) because I got up at five this morning.

When it comes to my sleep pattern you could set your clock by me at the moment, if by that you mean that you could get your clock set by me, since I’m always awake to do it for you.

And I can’t write that I am tired, so, so tired, so, so exhausted. I take out my computer each morning and evening on the bus, write about ten words of blather and then put it away again, defeated by the fact that I can’t remember how to spell cat, let alone write about one (the fact that I don’t have a cat is, of course, another drawback in this particular example).

I can’t write about the fact that I can’t write.

So I won’t.

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14 thoughts on “No Post Today

  1. The Laughing Housewife

    Dear Tinman, I can’t help so I will just feel for you instead.

    Without meaning to belittle your situation, I don’t know if this tip will be of any use to you, but I’ll share it anyway: do the smallest thing you can do.

    Going to copy the next bit from a post I wrote, because it’s easier (that is a small thing which will make this comment manageable for me):

    Doing a small thing is doable, manageable, possible; it allows me to do one thing, one time. I can cope with that.

    It works like this: you want to book a holiday but it’s a daunting task because you’ve never done such a thing before. What is the smallest thing you can do?

    Answer: Choose the destination.

    You want to choose the destination; what is the smallest thing you can do?

    Answer: Go to the travel agent and pick up some brochures.

    And you carry on like that.

    So, I want to reduce my emails from 277 to its standard position of under-100.

    What is the smallest thing I can do?

    Answer: Read one email; then delete it.

    I find this a big help; I just have to deal with that one small thing in front of me. I suppose it is the principle of the journey of a thousand miles beginning with the first step.

    Sending hugs x

    Reply
  2. Aindreas

    Being Tinman’s family in-law, I have to choose a response to fall into acceptable self imposed guide lines that allow for my good dollop of Catholic guilt complex. For example, I can’t write that I have to be conservative.
    I can’t write that all my problems stay with me and harbor with in me.
    I can’t write that I have been shown by example to keep it all in.
    Fortunately I have a very selective memory/attention span.

    Best regards,
    A

    Reply
  3. prenin

    I know what you mean Tinman! 😦

    I was up at 2.58am long enough to turn on the heating, then I retreated to my bed until the flat warmed up, getting up at 3.33am!

    I sleep crazy cycles because of my meds and now I have the evaluation to worry about, so bad dreams and disturbed sleep is a problem.

    All I can suggest is that you just try to rest as much as you can and try to doze when you can’t sleep properly – and see if you can get some sleeping pills off the doctor as a temporary fix.

    Lack of sleep can be a real pain… 😦

    God Bless!

    Prenin.

    Reply
  4. viv blake

    The last sentence is a blatant lie: YOU CAN WRITE, BETTER THAN THE MAJORITY OF PROFESSIONAL (ie PAID) WRITERS.

    Now for the rest of the post: is it time to a) look for another job or b) seek help for the depression?
    Your concerned and faithful reader. ViV

    Reply
  5. Emma

    What a lovely honest post and I can identify. In just the last few days I made the fairly massive decision for me to take a step back from my own blog. So much else is going on in my life and I’ve been so stressed that the blog and the posts just became another thing I had to fit in. And the more I worried, the harder they were to write. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, look after yourself- you’re a fab writer and everything will get easier I’m sure- be kind to yourself, Emma x

    Reply
  6. Janie Jones

    I think there is something in the air these past few months. So many people have said they feel stressed out, worn out and depressed. Me included. Hang in there Tin, we all understand.

    Reply
  7. A Frend

    Oh no, that’s so tough. It will get better, you have to have faith in that. If necessary, we (your devoted readers) will get together and DO SOMETHING (not sure what) to make it happen.

    Reply

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