Super Secret

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is (still) “hiding something”….


“Why don’t you ever wear contacts, Clark?” asked Perry White.

“Yeah,” said Jimmy Olsen. “I mean, those glasses are pretty severe. They make you look like the swot version of a geek version of a nerd. And Buddy Holly.”

“I think I know why he doesn’t,” said Lois. “I think he’s hiding something.”

Clark sighed. He had known that this day would come eventually. Not recognising Superman because he wore glasses made as much sense as not recognising your mother because she was wearing a hat, but the staff of The Daily Planet did not seem to be very bright. Now that it seemed that the game was up, Clark felt almost relieved. He was about to sheepishly own up when Lois spoke again.

“He doesn’t want us to see him without his glasses,” she said, “because we’d recognise him as Robin.”

“What?” said Perry.

“What?” said Jimmy.

“What????” said Clark.

“Is this true?” asked Perry. “Are you Batman’s side-kick?”

“Of course not,” gasped Clark. “I can’t believe you’d think that.”

“Methinks he doth protest too much,” said Jimmy.

“And methinks thou doth talk thit,” retorted Clark.

“What made you realise it, Lois?” asked Perry.

“Well, you never see them together,” said Lois.

“That’s it?” asked Clark. “That’s the whole basis for your theory? You never see Beyoncé and me together either.”

The three of them looked at him for a moment. Good lord, thought Clark, they’re actually thinking about that.

“Nah,” said Jimmy eventually. “You don’t have her legs.”

“Yeah, well I’m not Robin either,” said Clark. “Anyway, if I was, how would my taking my glasses off let you recognise me? Robin wears a mask.”

“Yeah, a teeny one,” said Lois. “That wouldn’t hide anyone’s identity.”

Clark frowned, closed his eyes, then shook his head briefly. “But you can’t really think I’m him,” he said. “I mean, he’s a twit.”

“Says the guy who never gets any stories for the paper,” said Perry, “while Lois gets Superman exclusives every day.”

“You never see Superman and me together either,” said Clark desperately.

“Exactly, because you’re always in the wrong place when the interesting stuff happens,” said Perry.

Clark accidentally crushed the coffee cup he was holding in his hand in frustration. Since it was a Styrofoam cup this went unnoticed. The coffee, though, had had an effect.

“Look, I have visit the men’s room,” he said. “We’ll sort this out when I get back.”

Going to the toilet, when under your suit you’re wearing a skin-tight zipless outfit with the underpants on the outside, is not something that can be done quickly, so Clark was gone for a good fifteen minutes.

Which was unfortunate, because during that time Batman and Robin pulled up outside the bank across the street, just as a gang of robbers were emerging, and apprehended them in a flurry of kapows and biffs. Clark returned to find his three workmates grinning at him, and showing them the pictures they had taken of the whole episode.

“Holy coincidence, Batman?” said Lois. “I think not.”

“Look, I’m not Robin,” said Clark, “and I’ll prove it.” He swung his Superarm, and his Superfist punched a hole in the wall. He watched as the light of comprehension, admittedly a light of a very low wattage, appeared in their eyes.

“I was wrong,” admitted Lois. “He’s the Incredible Hulk.”


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