Titus Andronicus! (and other spells)

This week’s Daily Post Writing Challenge is “Stylish Imitation”, so here is the world’s most famous playwright telling the world’s most famous story…
Alarums, fanfares and trumpets. Enter Harry, Hermione and Ron.

Harry: When shall we three meet again?

Hermione: Next term at Hogwarts.

Harry: Oh, true. (they exit home for the holidays)

Enter He Who Must Not Be Named.

Voldemort (oops, sorry): Fast fare thy failure, Potter, with thy stupid scar
I’ll kill thee fore you can say, er “Nascar”.

Ghost of Nearly Headless Nick enters.

Voldemort: Sodeth off, thou twerp. (Nick exits, pursued by his career).

First Day of New Term. Enter Harry, Hermione and Ron.

Hermione: Grave news. (Holds up skull). Dobby is not to be.

Harry: Alas, poor Dobby. I knew him well.

Hermione: Not well.

Harry: I can see that.

Hermione: No, the word “well” ist not in that sentence.

Harry: What, just “I knew him?”

Hermione: Yeth. I mean, yes.

Harry: Well, that’s not very personal. I could just as well be talking about the milkman.

Ron: The Who?

Harry: Exactly, I could just as well hath been talking about the Who. They art ancient enough to be in this.

Roger Daltrey: Oy! I heard that. (he exits, singing “Magic Bus”, since this play hath wizards and stuff).

Enter Voldemort.

Voldemort: Prepare the world for lots of sorrow
Tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow.

Harry: My name is Harry Potter, you killed my father, prepare to die.

Ron: Wrong story, methinks.

Harry: Is this a dagger I see before me?

Voldemort: No, it’s a wand, thou brainless berk. (Blasts Harry with a spell)

Hermione: Harry, the killing curse thou useth must, before thou turn to a pile of dust!

Harry: Very well. (points wand) Yippee Kay-ay, Motherf***er!” (Voldemort explodes in a puff of Elizabethan make-up).

Hermione (aside): That wadst not the curse I meant. (aloud) Oh Ronneo, Ronneo, wherefore art thou, Ronneo?”

Ron: I hate it when you call me that.

Enter Ginny.

Harry: Well-met by moonlight, proud Ginny. Where hast thou been?

Ginny: I couldeth not think of anything to say. I studied nottest Shakespeare at school.

Harry: Well, we four have met again. (Weather turns shite). In thunder, lightning and in rain. Ow, and also hailstones.

Hermione: Methinks our weddings could be a double. We could serve a cauldron of hubble-bubble. (Others look at her) It’s a type of stew.

Cheers, throwing of Sorting Hat into the air. Exeunt.

JK Rowling: For never was a story of more joy
Than this of Harry, the who-lived boy.

12 thoughts on “Titus Andronicus! (and other spells)

  1. Tilly Bud - The Laughing Housewife

    Dearest Tinman, I’m going to have to re-blog you again. If you keep this up, you might as well move into my blog. Hilarious on so many levels.

    I saw you have been nominated for not one, but THREE categories in the Irish Blog Awards. You must stop this inconvenient modesty and blog about it so people know to go and vote for you. Can we vote? Is it just Irish bloggers?

    Well done, Tinman; I’m thrilled and excited for you 😀 😀 😀

    1. Tinman Post author


      I did get nominated for Best Personal Blog and Best Blog Post but haven’t made the Shortlist in either of them, which to be honest I didn’t expect to. I’m just in the Humour Section now.
      It’s done by judges from here on in, so not even Irish bloggers can vote.
      We can all vote, though, for best blog post. You can vote once each week and they eliminate the bottom five in the build up to the Awards Night.
      Speccy is still in it, for a post about her Mam, and I think you should be able to vote for her.

  2. Rorybore

    re-directed by Tillybudy and well chuffed about it! brilliant. I’m not sure which I like more; the Shakespeare, the Princess Bride reference, or that John McLean also made an appearance: surely, the most effective killing curse.
    sorry, didn’t mean to call you Shirley 😉


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