Sidey’s Weekend Theme is “the 7 wonders of my world”. This gives me a chance to show off my knowledge, and to tell you all that there were in fact Fourteen Wonders of The Ancient World, and these are the seven that everyone had forgotten about.
The Ice-Cream Van at Giza. No sooner had the Pyramid gone up than an ice-cream van appeared beside it. The ice-cream cone is believed to be based upon the shape of the pyramid, and the flake in the 99 is proof that the pyramids originally had chimneys.
The Humming Dahlias of Constantinople. The breeze blowing through the petals would produce a high-pitched humming, which set the teeth of the Constantinoplininans on edge, and which drove their dogs mental. They were cultivated by the gardener Bouzouki, and the sound that they made has been passed down from generation to generation of his family.
The Interpretive Centre of Tarlana. Since Tarlana is a small oasis in the middle of the Gobi Desert consisting of one tree and a puddle (and an ice-cream van), the wonder is what exactly the Centre interprets.
The Egyptian Karma Sutra. A book of suggested, er, positions for a race who could, as we’ve seen from the drawings, move in only two dimensions, filled with astonishing flights of ingenuity and inventiveness. Scholars of the book (and believe me, there are many) say that positions 2, 17 and 105 are really good, that 29 gives you back spasms and that position 43 is only possible if you can unscrew one of your legs
The Railway Station at Thessalonika. Described by Plato as “a building ahead of its time” and since trains would not be invented for over 2,000 years it’s certainly hard to argue with that.
The Giant Horse-Poo of Troy. Lovingly (perhaps disturbingly lovingly) crafted, this was left on the ground behind the giant horse, proof of the thoroughness of the Greek designers.
The Steroid Bottle of Olympia. Proof, sadly, that for as long as there has been athletics there have been drug cheats. No-one knows who the cheat was at those first Olympics, but suspicion centres on Pectoralus, who won the javelin with a throw of one-and-a-quarter miles.