Hello Dolly

Another variation on Sidey’s “Variations on a Theme” theme, if that makes any sense…


Everyone has heard of Dollywood, the Theme Park devoted to one of the most famous names on this planet. While visiting there one can ramble around the exhibits and buy tacky merchandise in celebration of Dolly, her amazing life, her amazing fame, her amazing teats.

What? No, it’s Dolly the Sheep, the world’s first clone, that I’m talking about.

The Theme-Park devoted to Dolly was created by an Irish farmer called Quigley who bought Dolly over the internet (rumours that he was trying to buy another type of doll altogether have never been proven), and who had a field that he didn’t know what to do with. He obtained a grant from our Government, who really will give money to anyone (useless regulators, crooked politicians, bankrupt banks) as long as they promise to spend it in a stupid way.

The field was in County Monaghan, in (yes, look it up, it really exists) the town of Clones.

Farmer Quigley quickly built an Interpretive Centre (we have them at every tourist site, in case you need it explained to you that, say, the Battle of the Boyne was a battle, which took place near the Boyne), a huge car-park and a cafeteria, in which you can buy coffee that tastes like sheep-dip and tea that looks like sheep’s piss.

In the souvenir shop you can buy woollen hats, woollen cardigans, woollen mittens, and fleeces. You can pose beside a mirror and take a picture of yourself with your own mirror-image, which is then printed onto a Christmas-card with which you can startle relatives.

You can buy a CD featuring songs such as “I only have eyes for ewe”, “Stormy Wether” and “Ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong” (the CD also features that thing from Titanic, simply because it’s on every compilation CD, ever). You can buy ear-muffs shaped like rams’ horns, should you want to look like Princess Leila from Star Wars.

Farmer Quigley has broadened his empire. There are now Dollywoods in Paris, Prague, Vladivostok and on Easter Island. And at each one that you can view the actual Dolly.

That’s the great thing about cloning. Let Dolly Parton beat that.

5 thoughts on “Hello Dolly

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