All Dressed Up

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is “variations on a theme”…

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The huge front door creaked eerily as it opened.

There was nothing they could do about it, the doors of large castles are made to creak, and no amount of oiling will stop that.

Apart from that, though, everything was perfect at Morticia Addams’ Halloween party.

There were games. There was musical chairs, in which you fought each other for the privilege of sitting on a chair, and if you lost you made made to go and sit down, on a chair.   There was bobbing-for-apples, a strange game in which you inhaled water while attempting to pick up a piece of fruit you didn’t want. In another game a similar piece of fruit, now covered in toffee, swung on a piece of string and struck you violently in the face.

The room was brightly-lit and free of spider-webs. There was Beach Boys music playing. Everything was totally unspooky, and that was the whole point.

Morticia Addams throwing a themed-party for her fellow monsters. They had all had to come as humans.

She’d been too busy preparing the party to really pick an outfit, so she’d simply put on a pair of round glasses and was now Ozzy Osbourne.

Her husband Gomez played Clark Gable, which she felt was cheating since he looked like him anyway. She had pointed this out and he had said “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”. In reply she had turned him briefly into a handbag, because women always win arguments.

The other guests had made more of an effort, though some of them had been limited by their own appearance. The Mummy had come as Mr Bump, and in fairness there was little else he could have done. And the many, many ghosts had merely been able to tie-dye their sheets but had shown great inventiveness. One now represented the garish colours that humans wore playing golf, another the national flag of Burundi, another the Shroud of Turin.

Among the rest Count Dracula, by combing his hair forward and clutching his cloak around him, made an excellent Professor Snape. Doctor Frankenstein had gelled his hair into wild shapes and come as Alfred Einstein, while a grey-bun wig and a walking stick had transformed his assistant Igor into Grandma Walton. And everyone admired his Monster’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, though the Monster hadn’t in fact known that the party was fancy-dress.

The Headless Horseman had jammed his head onto his shoulders, jammed a stetson onto his head, and come as John Wayne. The Bride of Dracula, in the revealing white night-dress in which she’d been involuntarily wed, had come as Marilyn Monroe standing over the air-vent.

The Invisible Man had come as Cardinal Richelieu, although obviously you had to take his word for that.

Macbeth’s three witches, thanks to tight-fitting mini-skirts and some spells to rid themselves of their warts, did an astonishing impression of the Supremes.

Christopher Lee had come as Peter Cushing. Lee was not, of course, a monster, but had appeared in so many horror films that they had invited him as a special guest.

The only awkward moment was provided by Thing, the Addams Family pet hand. He had clenched himself into a fist, stuck out his middle finger, and put a tiny mortar-board on it. For this he had been sent to bed.

No-one likes a Clever-Dick.

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