Stating Point Of View


“She wouldn’t lock the door, she’d ring the police.”


“If you’re sixty-four and you’re still out at quarter to three, your wife’s not going to think you’ve been at a disco -”

“- a what?”

“-a dance, or at a Rolling Stones gig. She’s going to think you’ve fallen, or that you’ve forgotten where you live. People who are sixty-four have a cup of cocoa and go to bed when the telly programmes end at eleven. They don’t go on the razzle with their mates, trying to do the Hucklebuck and putting out their hips.”

“Ok, but “if I’ve been out till quarter to three, would you call the cops” doesn’t really sound very romantic.”

“It’s no less romantic than the line “you’ll be older too”. Try saying that to any bird and see if she’ll still be sending you a Valentine, never mind birthday greetings and a bottle of wine.”

“Apart from that bit, what do you think?”

“Not much. There’s the grandchildren, for instance.”

“What about them?”

“Well, in the first place, no-one can balance three kids on one knee. And secondly, their names. No English child has ever been called Chuck.”

“Perhaps they’re Americans.”

“Then why do they rent a cottage in the Isle of Wight every summer? They could go to Niagara Falls, or Salt Lake City.”


“It’s in Utah. It’s where that bunch of kids that keep turning up on the Andy Williams Show come from. And no-one calls a girl Vera anymore, it went out with, well, Vera Lynn. They name them after current singers.”

“So what you suggest?”

“Lulu, Tom and Englebert.”

“With the line before it being “we shall scrimp and singlebert”?”

“I don’t know. Look, this album is supposed to be our masterpiece. We’ve got She’s Leaving Home, and Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. This just doesn’t fit in.”

“But if we leave it out, what do we put in?”

“Well, George has some more guru things with sitars, and lyrics no-one understands. And Ringo’s written another song.”

“Oh God.”

“I know. Hang on, here it is – it’s called “Me and My Jellyfish”.

“What is it with him? Submarines, Octopusses -”


“Shut up. Look, my song would be better than either of those.”

“I suppose you’re right. We can’t put in a song called Me and My Jellyfish. It’d be like a song called, I don’t know, I Am The Walrus.”

“Exactly. People would think we’re on drugs.”


9 thoughts on “Stating Point Of View

  1. Jo

    Heh 🙂 I just learned today that there’s a popular theory that the Paul McCartney we see in the news etc is an imposter, and many believe he’s actually been dead for some time.

  2. speccy

    You must have been in the room!!
    I was singing along to the ipod the other day and Girl1 nearly fainted when I told her what the song was called… yes, I Am The Walrus. She’s beginning to worry about me


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