We’ll Paris Have Always

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is “once upon a place, in a time long, long ago”….

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The Tardis appeared slowly out of nothingness, in a blare of sound like an asthmatic cheetah. Doctor Who turned to Amy Pond, who was his companion because of the valuable help that she gave him, and not at all just because she was a pretty girl.

“You said you wanted to visit the first London Olympics, Pond,” he said, “well, prepare to be impressed”.

He threw open the door dramatically. The two of them stared at the Statue of Liberty.

“I am impressed,” said Amy. “I never realised the Olympic Torch was that big.”

The Doctor ran back to the controls. Where he had clearly set the time for 1948, it now read “quarter to Cork”.

“Something’s wrong with the space-time continuum,” said the Doctor. “We have to fix it.”

“Why?” asked Amy.

“Because otherwise it will cause the end of the entire universe.”

“Again?” said Amy. “How come we always end up having to save the entire universe? It’d be nice sometimes if all we had to do is rescue a cat up a tree. Less pressure, wouldn’t you say?”

“Yes, but not as much fun,” said the Doctor. “Come on.”

They stepped outside. The Doctor switched on his Sonic Screwdriver, a device which could seemingly do everything from opening doors to ironing socks, the galactic equivalent of a Swiss Army Knife. He stared thoughtfully at its readings.

“There is an alien life force around here somewhere,” he said, then looked up from the Screwdriver towards  Amy, who was leaning against the side of the identical police-box that was standing beside theirs. “No shit,” she said.

The Doctor opened the door of the other Tardis (using his Sonic Screwdriver, of course) and they went inside. The layout was much like theirs, only all of the equipment looked brand new, and a child of about five was looking at them.

“I was afraid of this,” said the Doctor. “He’s a Place Lord.”

“A what?”

“In the same way that we Time Lords control the movement of time, the Place Lords control the movement of place. Where we have Past, Present and Future, they have There, Here and, er, There.”

“But he’s only about five,” said Amy.

“Actually, I am nine-hundred and seven, I’m not a child.”

“They call him the Doctor,” said Amy. “What do they call you?”

“They call me the Child,” admitted the child. “I look like this because we don’t move in time, which is why everything in here looks so new. Our Tardis is younger on the inside than on the outside. Dorian Grey used to stay here. Tom Jones does now.”

“Whereas we move from one place to the other, using time to get there,” said the Doctor, “they simply move one place to the other, cutting out time altogether.”

“You mean like -”

“Don’t say ‘beam me up, Scotty’,” said the Doctor and the Child together. “We real space-beings hate all that science-fiction tripe.”

“It sounds good, though,” said Amy. “Look at the way he’s just moved New York to London.”

“It is good,” said the Doctor, “so long as he moved London somewhere else first.”

Amy thought about this. “Why are you here?” she asked the Child.

“We have decided to move our world here,” said the Child. The Doctor gasped.

“Let me guess,” said Amy.”This would cause the end of the universe.”

“Only in your time,” smiled the Child.

“I won’t let you get away with this,” said the Doctor. He drew his Sonic Screwdriver, the Child drew his, and a duel ensued which looked like a really crap version of a lightsabre fight.

Amy sighed, went to the controls, pulled some levers, hit some buttons and jammed her Tesco Clubcard into a slot. The Child’s Tardis vanished, leaving Amy and the Doctor standing in the street.

“Where did you send him?” asked the Doctor.

“Ikea,” said Amy. “There’s enough room for his whole planet, and they’ll never be able to find their way out.”

The Doctor grinned, they went into their own Tardis and he fired it up.

“Where are we going now?” asked Amy.

“We’ve had enough fun for one day,” said the Doctor. “We’re going to rescue a cat up a tree.”