Dine and Dash

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is “Something old, something new”…


Ugg sat quietly painting on the wall of his cave. It didn’t need painting, it had been done only six months previously, but his wife Nagga believed that a home needed continual re-decoration (she also believed that it needed something called shelves, though when pressed upon this she could not say why).

He was painting a picture of a mammoth being pursued by a group of spear-toting men. This was him exercising his creative side, since in his experience this procession usually took place the other way around.

Nagga walked into the cave. “Dinner,” she said.

Ugg sighed and put down his brush. Nagga was the home-maker, he was the hunter-gatherer, so it was his job to find food and her job to burn it.

“Are you going to go there?” she asked.

He had resisted for so long. The idea was an abomination, a denial of what he what he was, an insult to his very manhood, though he wasn’t sure that last phrase meant exactly what he intended it to. Gathering food was all about hunting, not shopping.

But he knew that she wanted to try it, and he had loved her ever since the day he had dragged her to this cave by the ponytail.

“Ok,” he said. “I’ll go there.”

He put on his quiver of arrows and took up his spear, though he knew that he would need neither. He marched up through the village to the huge cave belonging to Dunl and Muc, the one with the teeth of a sabre-tooth tiger forming a huge ‘M’ shape outside.

Ugg sighed, and stepped into MucDunls.

The cave-cum-shop specialised in Fast Food. Ugg reckoned that fast food was rarely in short supply, it was slowing it down that was the problem, and had expected that within months the cave would have to close its, um, well, would have to cease operating.

But Muc and Dunl had believed that the villagers would occasionally like to eat food that didn’t try to kill them back, and would be willing to pay to have it presented to them in post-mortem form. They had been right, business was booming.

Ugg approached the counter and a young lady in a brown uniform approached him. Everyone behind the counter wore brown uniforms, which was not surprising since animal-pelts were the only clothing on offer and brown the only colour, since the zebra had not yet evolved. Ugg stared in bewilderment at the range of foodstuffs painted onto the wall behind the counter.

“I’ll have the Dodo MucNuggets,” he said eventually, “and a Big Muc.”

“Certainly,” said the girl. “Would you like fries with that?”

“What are fries?” he asked.

“Plant-roots pulled from the ground, sliced into tiny strings and boiled in oil,” she said.

“Sounds ghastly,” he said, yet he bought some. He found he could not stop himself. He also ordered a MucFlurry and a MucDonut, though he had no idea what either of them were.

He watched as his order was prepared. A piece of mammoth-meat was beaten flat with a club (huh, easy when it’s dead, he thought), and was then laid above a fire. When it went brown it was placed on some bread, then some lichen and what looked like two pieces of bear-snot were placed upon it (he looked around the cave, most of the customers had taken these out) and another piece of bread was placed on top.

He didn’t watch them make the Dodo MucNuggets. Sometimes a name tells you everything you need to know.

He brought the food home to Nagga, and had to admit that the BigMuc tasted amazing. He reached for a MucDonut and dropped it. He watched it roll across the floor, and had an idea.

That day Ugg invented the wheel, which proved an enormous boon to the whole village.

MucDunls were able to build a drive-in.


4 thoughts on “Dine and Dash

  1. SidevieW

    lol, I do so enjoy learning real history from you

    what i can’t work out is how all the antiquarians and historians have been getting it so wrong for so long


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