I have a wireless keyboard and mouse that I use when I’m working on the ancient, steam-powered laptop that I use at home. The mouse is like a little puppy (a sentence you don’t often see very often), faithfully following my every command. If I threw a stick into the sea I’m sure it would have a go at getting it back, or at least click on the email address of the Lifeboat Service.

The keyboard is more like a pet cat. It does what it wants to, when it wants to. I occasionally look up from it (yes, I have to look at the keyboard when I’m typing, I’m not like one of those people who can look up and talk to you while their fingers are still working away, or one of those smug git pianists who can roll their head and close their eyes soulfully while playing) and find that it has left out some letters altogether, or has provided (it just typed “prvded” there) a torrent of others.

I came here this morning wanting to look at emails, so I typed “live.ie” into Google, so that it could Sat-Nav me to the correct starting point. The keyboard had plans of its own (as most cats do) and when I looked it had typed three “l”s, a “v” and thirty-eight “e”s into Google’s search box.

Now I’d have thought that when asked to search for “lllveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” (astonishingly, Spellcheck just drew a squiggly red line under that) Google would either have told me to get stuffed or would have blown up. I should have had more faith in the thousands of staff who work there, frantically looking up encyclopedias, thesauruses and Wikipedia so that they can come up with an answer in half a second:

Google does admit that it could not find an exact match, but it has provided a list of possible alternatives. While this is a tiny bit like a shop assistant telling you that they don’t have this jacket in your size but they do have one three sizes larger in a different colour and would you like to take that instead, you have to admire their dogged refusal to be defeated.

Meanwhile I have more Es than a beekeeper (a melee of beekeepers in a teepee, in fact).

I might throw a Rave.


13 thoughts on “Wheee!

  1. vivinfrance

    I like this – my laptop keyboard does everything you say, and to add insult to injury, it jumps backwards and forwards of its own volition, turning out reams of gobbledegook. But I am one of those don’thavetolook merchants, thanks to my misspent youth in secretarial school.

    1. Pseu

      now the answer to that one, I have found, Viv is to turn off the laptop touch pad and use instead a little cordless mouse. Works a treat, though I had to get techie to show me how to disable the touch pad. Once I knew how to do it (through ‘control panel’ and then ‘something like ‘commonly use mobility settings’ then ‘touchpad off’) the jumping about of unwanted stuff ont he screen stopped.

      1. vivinfrance

        Whee hee! You may have saved my sanity. I already use a cordless mouse – he goes with me everywhere. It is my sleeves or wrists who do the dirty on me. Nowdo to go where none has gone before. Um. control panel um turn I may be some time. …20 mins later. I found everything except “touchpad off” so the state remains as ante bellum. I’ll have to wait for a geeky grandson to help me.

      2. Pseu

        there is another way to do it, more permanently. With this method you have to disable the touch pad each time you turn the computer on- it’s quick though once you know how.
        The other method involve the Fn button and one of the F buttons across the top of the keypad. If grandson techie like my son … no problem 🙂

      3. vivinfrance

        I found a disable button in some obscure place in the control pattern, and I think all my problems are over! It opened a horribly menacing window to warn me not to do it, but I took my courage in both hands, and now I haven’t made a single mistake in this reply. Thank you, Pseu, you are a genius.

  2. 68ghia

    I also have to look at my keyboard while typin, but mine genrally behaves itself 😉
    As for the rave – that was so unexpectedly funny!
    I had a good cackle here on my lonesome 😉

  3. Tinman Post author

    I’ve just read this post again, and am trying to find a way that I can blame the phrase “a sentence you don’t often see very often” on my keyboard…


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