Sad Songs Say So Much

In WordPress’s most astonishing topic yet they ask “who is your favourite parent?”. I would steer away from this minefield as one would steer a car away from, well, a minefield were it not for the co-incidence that it appeared on the same day that “Jerry Springer – the Opera” opened in Dublin. Since this is the only type of forum that could handle such a topic, may I present “Tinman – the Opera”….

Narrator (voice off): Ladies and gents, clap as loud as you can.
Here is your host, the one and only Tinman!

Chorus (the audience): Tinman! Tinman! Tinman!

Tinman (tenor): Welcome all, and meet my guest.
Nadine, who loves her mother best!

Chorus: Yay! You go, girl!

(Enter Nadine, stage left, with her mother, Claudine)

Nadine (soprano): My trailer-park’s in Saginaw,
I have a Maw, I have a Paw.
But Maw’s the best you ever saw,
Better than Quick-Draw McGraw!

Chorus: Yay! You go, girl!

Tinman: Nadine, I’ve a surprise for you,
Coz your Dad Chad has come here too!

(Fanfare, raspberries, loud booing. Chad enters stage right)

Chad (bass): Nadine, it sticks right in my craw
You think I ain’t as good as Maw.

Tinman: Ok, it’s time I made a law –
No more words that end in “-aw”.

Chorus: Tinman! Tinman! Tinman!

Tinman: We’ll hear lots more of this heartache
Right after this commercial break!

(Fanfare. Adverts come on for KFC, Ocean Finance and a 10-CD Johnny Mathis Collection that is not available in shops. Fanfare again.)

Tinman: Before the break things looked real bad,
Nadine just doesn’t like her dad.

Chad: I can’t believe you don’t like me
That ain’t the way it oughta be
I jiggled you upon my knee
And learned you your A,B, er, C.

Claudine (mezzo): That’s hogwash, trash and splatter-jar
You spent each night in Hooters’ Bar!

Tinman: (What the hell is “splatter-jar?”

Claudine: I needed something to rhyme with “bar“).

Chad: Well, you were with our neighbour Dan
Having sex in his camper van!

Chorus: Yay – oh hang on, girl, that’s unbecomin‘…
Who cares, we always back the woman!

Tinman: Oh, dear, this really isn’t going right,
I think that there might be a fight!

(Silence)

Tinman: I said, this isn’t going right,
I think that there might be a fight!

(More silence)

Tinman: Jesus, must I spell it out?
Someone punch somebody’s mouth!

Chorus: Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Claudine slaps Chad across the face. Chad grabs Claudine’s hair. A large lady runs up from the Chorus and knees Chad in the groin).

Chad: Aargh! It’s now the colour of tomato
Ketchup, I must sing castrato!

Nadine (remember her?): I cannot stand this anymore
To watch you roll upon the floor;
I stand here now and make this oath
That truly I do love you both!

Chorus: Aw!

Tinman: What did I say?

Chorus: Oops, sorry.

Tinman: The ending of this family’s sorrow!
Goodbye, and see you all tomorrow!

(Lights begin to fade, Nadine, Chad and Claudine embrace, fanfare yet again, exuent).

Tinman (sotto voce): I don’t care if the show’s a hit
I can’t take much more of this – (he exits)

(Lights out. Fat lady sings. Finis).

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12 thoughts on “Sad Songs Say So Much

    1. Tinman Post author

      Oh, it is, jmg, you should Google it, apparently there have been protests everywhere it’s been staged, apparently it breaks about every taboo possible.

      Reply

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