Where Begin I Do

Sidey’s Weekend Theme this week is to write a story beginning “Once upon a time..” and ending with “..and they all lived happily ever after.”


Once upon a time there was a young, dashing, impossibly handsome blogger named Tinman. Unfortunately, ladies, he appears only in the first two paragraphs of this story, so be-still your beating hearts.

It was true to say that when it came to blogging he was in a class of his own, though it is equally true to say that there are two ways of looking at that sentence. Like all other bloggers he regularly received comments from spammers. One day while going through these he hit “allow” instead of “delete” on two of them, and so it was that Service Plumbing Sacramento and Cabbage Soup Diet Review met for the first time.

Spammers are a misunderstood breed. People think of them as salespeople from far-flung countries writing in badly translated English. In fact they are a race, like the gypsies or the Celts, and Spam is their actual language. They comment on as many blogs as possible, day after day, in the forlorn and lonely hope of meeting someone who will allow them into their Commenters Gang.

Now, thanks to Tinman’s dumb-assness (ok, he appears in this paragraph as well) they had found a kindred spirit. Service Plumbing Sacramento clicked into Cabbage Soup Diet Review’s link (no, that’s not a euphemism), left a comment on her site (“this is a greatness post with many helpful, I am hopefully return someday”) and she replied “this is thoughtfully content with I am improving, have added link smiley face”.

They began a correspondence via e-Mail (neither of them, of course, had a spam filter, which meant that they were both friends with a surprising number of Nigerian princesses). She learnt that Service (they were on first-name terms by now) actually sold products for male, er, plumbing, such as Viagara, Cialis and Penis Enlargement Pills, which does admittedly prove that some of the stereotypes about Spammers are true. He learnt that Cabbage (first-name terms are not always a good thing) was a fanatical believer in the health benefits of cabbage soup, which turns you round and smelling of earth. Eventually he shyly proposed that they meet in person (“Perhaps some coffee would increase you happiness traffic”) and she equally shyly replied “I am grabbing your Feed”.

They recognised each other on sight, he by her greenish tinge, she by his well-serviced plumbing. Over a long candle-lit dinner they spoke of their loneliness, their sense of rejection and the amount of money that they had lost to Nigerian princesses. By the end of that evening love had begun to bloom.

They eventually got married, Service Plumbing Sacramento clicked into Cabbage Soup Diet Sacramento’s link (ok, this time it’s a euphemism) and in time they had two children: a boy named Dehumidifer Ratings and a girl called Discover An Australian Accent, who’s first words were (this is genuinely one of my spam comments) “a lot of listeners australian accent noises weirdly unfamiliar”.

In time the family moved to the spiritual home of Spammers. This is the tiny statelet of Spam, situated near Turkey. There Service continued to sell his products to hopeful and desperate men, Cabbage held cabbage-soup-diet parties for her bewildered neighbours and Dehumidifer and Discover grew up in a school with classmates such as Coupon Codes and Russian Kettlebells.

And they all lived happily ever after.

(Authors Note: It is customary to state that all characters are fictitious and any resemblance blah, blah, blah, but in this case I can’t, all the names above are those of Spammers in my spam queue at the moment, though I may be being a bit unfair to Service Plumbing Sacramento, who is in a fact a genuine plumber).   

9 thoughts on “Where Begin I Do

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