Even Nasals Will Fall

There is an advert currently on TV for a deodorant called Lynx Excite. It features a number of angels tumbling to earth, then making their way zombie-like towards a man who has just sprayed himself with Lynx. As they surround him the most beautiful and sultry of them rips off her halo and smashes it on the ground and the rest of them follow suit, clearly willing to forsake all the joys of heaven and abandon themselves to this very essence of essence. The tagline of the ad is “Even Angels Will Fall”.

The Angel Gabriel is not among those who fall in the ad, nor indeed is Lucifer (surely the very definition of a fallen angel) as this would not attract the demographic that Lynx are aiming at. They are aiming at adolescent males desperate to get off with girls and willing to believe that a sharp-smelling deodorant is all that they need to enter a world of nookie bliss. Unfortunately the word “sharp-smelling” above was not used lightly, which renders this unlikely.

I was not sure if my readers would be familiar with the product that I am talking about, but Googling extensive research tells me that it is marketed in the UK, Ireland, New Zealand, Australia and China (a big hello to my Chinese readers, by the way), while it is known as Axe in other countries. I hope therefore that most of you know of the astonishingly acrid product of which I speak.

The Lynx Excite scent is created by peeling an onion, caramelising horse-manure, grinding a packet of pepper-and-garlic flavoured crisps, roasting a stoat over an open fire and then liquidising the whole lot in a blender. To this is added wasp-repellent, shark-repellent and Marmite and the whole lot is pumped into a canister slightly too small for it.

When used the contents shoot out in a jet so fast that, if you were to light it as a merry jape, you would be propelled backwards through a wall, leaving a cartoon-like starfish-shaped hole. The scent then surrounds the user in an almost visible haze, leaving a comet-trail of pungent aroma behind him which has an afterlife of days.

The Excite is just the latest of a long line of Lynx deodorants. There was Lynx Sandal, in which the onion was replaced by a footballer’s sock; Lynx Marine, in which the crisps were replaced by a week-old flounder; and Lynx Africa, in which the stoat was replaced by a lynx.

One cold evening I had the task of driving Tinson2 and two of his friends to a disco in Ashford, a town about ten miles away. Being trapped in a car with three different strains of Lynx could be described as an eye-opening experience, except that that it exactly what it wasn’t.

I thankfully have never been tear-gassed, but I think that I know now what it feels like.

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10 thoughts on “Even Nasals Will Fall

  1. earlybird

    This had me laughing out loud. I do believe I have been repelled by ‘Axe’. I had no idea it was ‘Lynx’ by another name!

    Reply
  2. Janie Jones

    What a keen nose you have for sniffing out the patented formula. Now if I ever want to know what “onion, caramelising horse-manure, grinding a packet of pepper-and-garlic flavoured crisps, roasting a stoat over an open fire and then liquidising the whole lot in a blender” smells like I’ll just go check out a can. That is, when I’ve finished laughing like a looney.

    Reply

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