Burnt Offering

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is “the best meal I ever cooked”.

****************************************************************************************************************

“Why did you invite me to your place for dinner, anyway?”

“I don’t know, to be honest. We’d been talking all night at the club and suddenly it was time to go home and I thought I’d never see you again, so I just gave you my number and a voice that sounded like mine said ‘please ring me, I’d like to cook a meal for you sometime’.”

“But you must have known that you can’t cook.”

“I can cook,” he said.

“No,” she said, “you can apply flames to food until it changes colour. You’d have made a great Neanderthal, roasting a mammoth over a massive fire.”

“Well, I thought I did quite well that night. The starter was perfect -”

“It was prawn cocktail. You stick some leaves in a little dish, add a few prawns from a tin and pour pink gloop over everything. A four-year old could do it.”

“Ok, well the main course -”

“Was burnt.”

“Well done.”

“Thank you.”

“No, I meant that -”

“I know what you meant,” she said, “and I’m telling you the steak was burnt. You couldn’t have cut it with a band-saw.”

“Is that why yours skidded along your plate while you were cutting it and shot peas all over the table?”

She gave him a look and he knew never to mention that again. “By this stage I knew that the desert would be Black Forest Gateau,” she said.

“How?”

“Prawn cocktail, steak-and-chips, Black Forest Gateau, it’s been the staple menu at every rugby club dinner since rugby began. The day what’s-his-name picked up the ball and ran with it at Rugby school they probably changed the evening meal from gruel to that.”

He was about to say “what’s-his-name was William Webb-Ellis” but he knew she’d just say “yeah, whatever,” which always irked him, so he didn’t.”You asked me did I make the gateau myself,” he remembered. “I thought that meant you liked it.”

“No, I was just playing with your head at that stage.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Well, because I had decided that you were a pillock. We’d had a great talk in the nightclub, which was why I agreed to meet you again, and I’d been really looking forward to it.Then when I arrived you had the lights turned down, you had jazz playing on the CD player and you gave me wine in a glass so big that a horse would have got drunk after it. If you’d worn a t-shirt with “Please Shag Me” written on it you couldn’t have been more obvious.”

“Whereas you turned up in a very short, low cut red dress. Perhaps they’d run out of dresses with “Please Shag Me” written on them.”

She blushed for a second, then said “yeah, whatever. I mean, jazz? I’ve never heard you listen to it since. So I asked did you make the Black Forest Gateau yourself, and of course you said yes. So I asked what was in it and you said -”

“Fruit of the forest,” he admitted. “just before I remembered that that’s a yogurt flavour.”

“And then you looked sheepish, then you looked at me and we both laughed, and I thought ‘he’s actually not that big a pillock’, so I drank the rest of my bucket of wine and we went back to talking like we’d done when we met that first night. And now here we are.”

“Here we are indeed,” he said. He put his feet up on the table (she glared at him, he took them back down) on the balcony of their honeymoon suite and gazed out at the stunning view of Lake Maggiore. “Which means,” he said, “that it was the best meal I ever cooked.”

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15 thoughts on “Burnt Offering

  1. speccy

    I was thinking ’twas the tale of a man called Tin and Mrs Tin …

    Also, Tinman, this ‘legal stuff’ stuff you’ve gone and got- do I need that? Is it proper legal? Have you been used and abused?

    Reply
    1. Tinman Post author

      We’ve been to Lake Maggiore, Speccy, though not on our honeymoon. Everything else about the story is made up (especially the bit about the t-shirt).

      As for the Legal Stuff, please see tomorrow’s post. I just reckoned I should put in something, lots of others do.

      Reply
  2. Janie Jones

    Lol! I have to say though, you can over look a lot of imperfections if you have a man who can cook well. A perfectly cooked fried egg on toast is an amazing aphrodisiac.

    “When are you going to pick your boxers and socks up off the sofa? And, I would really appreciate your putting the toilet seat down when you’re done. I asked you to take out the trash yesterday, weren’t you listening? Can you not leave your midnight snack dishes in your room for three weeks and then bring them up all covered in mold and crusted with petrified food remains that I need a chisel to remov-”

    “Good morning, Janie. I made you fried eggs and toast!”

    “You did!?! Oh. Wow! That’s good.”

    “Now what were you saying, dear?”

    “I was saying…. Huh. Was I saying something? I don’t recall. Did I mention these eggs were awesome. Thank you so much. Um, is there any um, sausage to go with breakfast *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*…?”

    “Oh, baby. You betcha!”

    Reply
  3. Elaine

    Very good. Although you deny this story is based on you and Mrs Tin, I feel you have quite specific knowledge on how to make a prawn cocktail…….. 😉

    Reply

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