Two By Two

Sidey’s weekend theme is What If. What if the story of Noah’s Ark was actually true…. 

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The rain had definitely stopped.

Noah gazed out towards the horizon. The water levels did seem to be dropping. He picked up a dove and sent it forth, as they used to say in those days.

The dove had travelled about twenty yards when an eagle shot out of one of the windows of the ark and ate it.

“Bollocks,” said Noah, though he knew the Lord would wax wrathful about his language.

Bigger than this...

The incident pretty well summed the entire forty days and forty nights aboard Noah’s Ark II. Since God had given instructions for the size of the ark in cubits, and since Noah had no idea what a cubit was (well, do you?) Noah’s Ark I had been the size of a baby’s bath, so for his second go he’s just made it up as he went along, and had ended up with a thing the size of the Titanic. Which was just as well, since two of every type of animal add up to, well, a lot of animals.

And a lot of trouble. On the very first day an anteater had eaten the ants, which in fairness Noah should have seen coming, the name was a fairly big clue. A cat had swallowed a spider, which wriggled and jiggled and tiggled inside her. The lion lay down with the lamb, and then ate it. It had taken every effort of Noah and his three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth (three names that you don’t hear a lot these days, possibly because they’re the daftest names any parents have ever given their sons) to control the carnage thereafter.

And there were other problems. Since chicken sexing is a difficult, highly paid job even today, they had accidentally brought along two males, which was to have disastrous consequences for a Colonel Sanders many, many years later. On the other hand, they had definitely brought a male and female rabbit. Noah knew this because they now had 14,367 rabbits.

But at least the rabbits were at it with each other. The amount of cross-shagging that had gone on had astonished Noah, and had produced a number of new species – the ostrich (a camel and a turkey), the panda (a bear and a raccoon) and the porcupine (a hedgehog and a very determined pig).

But now the rain had stopped. It looked like the ordeal was nearly over, and sure enough a few days later the Ark came to rest upon the top of Mount Ararat.

And, of course, toppled over.

By the time Noah finally dug himself out of the tons of animal-poo that had slid to the side of the Ark along with him, most of the animals had fled, spreading out all across er, whatever country Mount Ararat is in. He had a look around. The unicorns, which contrary to the song had actually made it aboard, had unfortunately been landed upon by one of the elephants and were now as dead as the dodo, which had been landed on by the other one. Other than that everyone seemed to be fine. Noah and his sons left the Ark.

“What are we going to do now, Dad?” asked Shem.

“We’re going to find a plot of land and grow potatoes, and carrots, and tofu,” said Noah. “We’re becoming vegetarians, I never want to see another animal again.”

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