Eye Of The Beholder

Sidey’s weekend theme is Beauty. There will be pictures of lovely women in this post, but only because they are necessary to the story…


 Haughtily, icily, the Queen approached her magic mirror.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall,” she intoned, “who is the fairest of them all?”

Her reflection stared back at her for a second, then spoke.

“Angelina Jolie,” she said.

“Er, who?” asked the Queen.

“Angelina Jolie,” repeated her reflection. “She’s an actress, apparently.”

“Well, she shall die,” snapped the Queen. “I will send my huntsman to kill her and bring me back her heart.”

“Good luck with that,” said her reflection, who appeared to be reading off the internet as she spoke. “She lives in a house bigger than this castle, surrounded by bodyguards, something called a Brad Pit and four hundred and twenty-two children.”

“Very well,” said the Queen, “the who is the second fairest of them all?”

“Georgie Thompson from Sky Sports News,” said the reflection.

“And where does she live?” sighed the Queen.

“England,” said her reflection, “and the huntsman would have trouble getting there, it is an island -”

“I know where England is,” snapped the Queen. “How about the third fairest?”

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” said her reflection, “and you don’t want to mess with her.”

“Er, ever hear of someone called Snow White?” asked the Queen.

“Minger,” said her reflection.

“And tell me,” said the Queen almost pleadingly, “where would I fit into this list?”

Her reflection studied her critically for a moment, a truly bizarre experience. “Mmm, not bad,” said the reflection eventually. “I would put you just between Scarlett Johansson and Pippa’s bum.”

“But how can this be?” wailed the Queen. “I’m supposed to be the most beautiful of all.”

Her reflection snorted.”Yeah, well just look at yourself,” (which in fairness she was doing) she said. “Ok, you’re wearing a crown, but you also seem to be wearing a balaclava and the tail-fin off a boy-racer’s car. You’ve permanently got an expression like someone who’s just eaten sprouts and you spend more time talking to your mirror than you do to real people. You don’t even have a boyfriend.”

The Queen took off her headdress and shook out her hair, which was long and, to the astonishment of her reflection, ginger. She stared hard at the mirror, muscles on her face which hadn’t worked for many years slowly ground into action and she smiled.

“Is that better?” she asked.

And it was.


12 thoughts on “Eye Of The Beholder

  1. Janie's Place

    When I finished laughing and being amazed at the brilliance, snarky minds just had to know 2 things:

    Are you, by any chance, dying to play “patty-cake?”

    And, if the Queen kisses Roger Rabbit will he change into Rodney Dangerfield?

    1. Tinman Post author

      Ah, you like sprouts?

      That explains the expression in your “Photo Challenge Hot” picture…


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