Thanks to Tilly Bud I have learned of SidevieW, who each week suggests a weekend theme which people have a go at and then link to her blog. This weekend’s theme is U.F.O…..
Silently, invisibly, the spaceship from the planet Xjrui hovered just a few hundred metres above the Earth. They were there to observe, gathering data to decide whether or not to attack and conquer.
They had come to rest above a large oblong structure in which thousands of humans had gathered, gazing out expectantly at an open green space in the middle.
“What is this place?” asked Glurg, the captain.
“I believe it’s called a stadium,” said Splock, who was the Research Officer, a know-all and a bit of a pain-in-the-arse, or would have been if the Xjruians had arses. “Some form of entertainment takes place in the middle – sometimes something called Sport, sometimes something called Bono.”
Just as he spoke two lines of eleven humans each walked out side by side into the open area. Each side had one human in green (“clearly their leader,” said Splock, who got most of his information from Galakipedia and the rest from wild guesswork) but the rest of one line wore blue and the rest of the other wore white.
The two groups gathered in one half each of the green area. A human in black placed a small round creature carefully in the centre. The Xjruians looked expectantly at Splock. “Er, it’s their god,” he said. “The human in black is their high priest, placing the god between them for them to worship him.”
The noise of the crowd grew louder as two of the men in blue approached the god. The high priest blew a high blast on a tiny horn. What happened next astonished the Xjruians.
“He kicked the god!” gasped Glurg.
Indeed, one of the humans had tapped the god with his foot toward the other. He rolled it back to another blue-clad behind him, and they all raced into the other half of the open space as this third blue-clad kicked violently at the god, launching it high into the air.
“It must be the god only of the humans in white,” improvised Splock desperately, “the ones in blue are attacking it. Look, it’s landing near one of the white-clads now – he’ll protect it.”
Sure enough, the god was dropping toward one of the humans in white, who kept his eyes reverentially upon it as it came down, right toward his face.
He head-butted it.
“Bloody Hell,” said Glurg, although the Xjruians didn’t even have a belief in hell.
For the next twenty minutes they stared wide-eyed (they were aliens, they had no choice) at the mayhem that went on beneath. The god was kicked in all directions, and the humans would challenge and often kick each other just in order to have their turn at kicking him next. The god sometimes landed in the apparent safety of the watching crowd, but they would callously throw it back to be kicked again. Sometimes the high priest (they had learned by listening to the crowd that his official title was Wanker) would blow upon his holy horn and the carnage would cease while he showed a holy yellow card (“a battle commendation”, said Splock) to one of the warriors, but then the whole thing would start up again. Sometimes one of the two men in green would catch the god, but then would hurl it as far away as possible (“atheists,” offered Splock, but by now no-one was listening to him).
Eventually the god was kicked across into a marked out parallelogram at one end of the field, a blue-clad human leapt almost horizontally and kicked the god over his head into a net behind him.
“Oh, well done!” yelled Glurg, though he wasn’t sure why.
The human raced away, pulling his shirt off over his head (for which he was given a commendation by the Wanker), the crowd roared and a large sign changed to read, in human language, “Manchester City 1, Tottenham 0” (congrats, Tilly, but don’t worry Speccy, Spurs equalised in the second half).
“They have captured the god in a net,” said Splock. “It is clearly a symbol of , er, something.”
“Shut up,” said Glurg.
He pressed a button and the spaceship started to rise silently out of the Earth’s atmosphere.
“We’re leaving?” asked Splock.
“Damn right,” said Glurg, “and we won’t be back. Look at the way they kick the crap out of their gods, can you imagine what they would do to us?”