Some self-help thing I read somewhere this week suggested that you should list ten of what you think are dark secrets about yourself, then read them back and realise they (and therefore you) are not so bad after all.
Here are mine.
- Lost as a child, I was raised by bears. On Tuesdays I had a badger as a babysitter while my parents went hunting for picnic baskets.
- I paid my way through college by working as a bareback rodeo rider. This means I never get seasick, but have genitalia the size and texture of a walnut.
- My middle name is Millicent. I think my mother wanted a girl.
- I was the first to invent the Rubik Cube, but was unable to market it because I didn’t know how to solve it.
- I am allergic to the scent of the clarinet.
- I can speak twelve languages, including chimp, whale-song and Skippy (though who can’t, all he ever says is that Timmy’s fallen down the well). One of my languages has never been heard by anyone before, so the Government have forbidden me from using it in case I am accidentally contacting the Romulans.
- Speaking of the above, I have two birthmarks the shape of flying saucers on my chest. Oh sorry, I’ve just been told they’re called nipples.
- If I face SouthEast I can pick up Radio Luxembourg on my pacemaker.
- Most people’s past lives lead back to them being handmaidens for Cleopatra. I, however, have been a blacksmith, a washerwoman, a beggar, a man shot out of a cannon in a circus act, the fourth child in the VonTrapp family and the cow that started the great fire of Chicago.
- I have never swum with dolphins, but I have slid along the ice on my tummy with penguins, which is a lot more fun.