Written In Your Stars

Suppose you wrote those daily horoscopes that appear in newspapers. Would you simply fill them with cliched generalisations, or would you occasionally use them for your own devices? Suppose you had a big row with your mother-in-law one day, for example. Would she read her horoscope the following day and be told that “today would be a good day to hit yourself in the face with a metal bucket”?

Once upon a time Sagittarian and horoscope-writer Dave met Laura, a Gemini, at a party. She told him she was interested in astrology, he told her he worked in journalism (this is true, in the same way that a popcorn seller in a cinema in is the movie business) and left with her phone number. This is the story of their romance, as told via Laura’s horoscopes for the next few months…..

March 12th, the day he was going to ring for the first time:  “Romance blooms for all you Geminis! An acquaintance may call later today with a view to friendship and maybe more (he also wrote most of the personal ads). Remember, Sagittarians are hot. Really hot.”

March 15th, the day of their first date at the cinema: “Mars may be on your horizon this evening, or perhaps even Maltesers (Editor‘s Note: Hi, TB). Remember, silly RomComs are too yuck for you vibrant Geminis! Impress a new friend by suggesting a trip to Battle: Los Angeles.”

March 16th, after the first date was not a great success:  “Geminis’ twin nature means that they believe in second chances. Meet a recent acquaintance again, with an open mind. Remember that people who seem strange may just be very deep. Wear something slinky, preferably in red.”

March 29th, after she cooked for him for this first time:  “If you’re feeling in a rut, consider night classes. Cookery, perhaps? Seriously, Gemini, leek and broccoli soup looks like something the cat threw up. Tastes like it too.”

April 23rd, after their first row:  “Your head is in Uranus. The Klingons would so beat the Jedi.”

April 26th, after three days of frosty silence: “Make up after that row with a close one. Tell him that he was completely right, and that you are very sorry, and all will be fine again.”

April 29th, after three further days of frosty silence:  “Ring a close one, so that he can tell you that you were completely right, and that he is very sorry, and hopes that all will be fine again.”

September 15th, their six month anniversary, so time to regard themselves as “a couple”:   “A good day for opening up, telling your loved one all your deepest thoughts and examining where your relationship is going, is not today, since there is Champions League Football on TV. Tomorrow doesn’t look great either.”

Soon after this Dave got promoted to writing those boring articles about how many people are expected to travel through Dublin Airport this Bank Holiday Weekend. The daily horoscope returned to normal, which was a great relief to the other one-twelfth of the population who were also Geminis.The Sagittarians were even more relieved, since their horoscope had simply read “tonight might be the night” every day for the previous six months.

Dave and Laura are now happily married. Dave loves Laura deeply and is secretly proud of how he orchestrated the romance without Laura’s knowledge.

Laura loves Dave deeply too, and on the rare occasions that he does annoy her she simply makes leek and broccoli soup for dinner.

Face it guys, women always know everything.

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