Rain, With Rain Later

Siobhan Ryan

On the news last night weather forecaster Siobhán Ryan warned that we are in for a spell of “weepy weather”. In case we thought we’d misheard, those two words appeared on the map behind her.

We lay people have always used everyday words to describe our weather. Here in Ireland we have the phrase “soft day, thank God,” which is used on any day in which the rainfall is not quite at the level where Noah would unpack his toolkit and start wondering what a “cubit” is.

A bit of everything

We expect more learned terms from the Met Office staff, though, so why the phrase “weepy“? It’s possible, though both (a) unlikely and (b) gross that Siobhán is forecasting a plague of sores (coming up from the Azores), but it seems more likely that they are dumbing the forecasts down for us, believing us incapable of understanding terms like isobars, occluded front and anti-cyclone (it’s a protest march about strong winds). They reckon we’ll guess that weepy weather, for example, involves sniffly drizzle, like a woman who has just watched “Marley and Me” on her own.

If we grasp this idea, they plan to use these others:

  • “Let’s get the boobs joke out of the way first” weather: a warm front.
  • “Double Maths-class” weather: Two hours of unremitting greyness.
  • “Forgotten birthday” weather: frosty. Very frosty.
  • “Broken boiler” weather: cold showers.
  • “Hail to the Chief” weather: hail, falling on Barrack Obama, obviously.
  • “Dumped by Text” weather: squalls of torrential rain, interspersed by bursts of angry thunderstorms.
  • “I’ve just won the Lotto” weather: blue cloudless skies, because you’ve just moved to the Seychelles.
  • “My team got beaten by a dodgy penalty” weather: your dog is sporadically struck by lightning, as if you’d kicked him.
  • “Lager, then a Chinese on the Way Home” weather: gale-force winds.
  • “Economist” weather: gloom, then a bit brighter, then gloomy again – and on and on and on.
  • “German cousin” weather: Claudia Speltz (sorry)
  • “The Government’s fate in the election next Friday” weather: hefty snotstorms (Sorry about the misprint there, it should read heavy snotstorms).

That’s it for today. I hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow, warm and mild and pleasant.

A “Tinman” day, in fact (snorts of derision from Mrs Tin).

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