WordPress asks today Who would play my evil twin in the TV version of my life?
The simple answer of course is that I would. That’s what special effects people are paid for, to put both of me on screen at the same time and make it look believeable. We should be able to chat together, to get a girl to do a double-take when she’s with one of me and the other one walks in (that’s why it’s called a double-take), to link arms in a rousing sing-song, to hug our dad at the same time, to fight with swords upon a dangerous rope-bridge.
One of us should be able to speak while the other drinks a glass of water.
The deeper, more considered, more disturbed answer is Who says it’s not me that’s the evil twin?
Perhaps somewhere there’s another Tinman, Namnit lets call him, who is everything I am not. He dresses exactly like me, because twins do that just to piss off the whole world, but that is his only flaw. Namnit can cook, service his own car and watch documentaries without falling asleep. He has a toolbox the size of a cupboard with which he builds cupboards the size of ships. He goes to the gym, eats six a day (he is partial to wortleberries and that gets him extra points, just as it would in Scrabble) and runs the Dublin City Marathon. He can lift one leg over his head in yoga, and in other pursuits besides.
Namnit’s local is also the opposite of mine (for a start, it has a carpet), but he rarely has more than one drink there, a chilled white wine. He prefers to go to poetry readings, improvised theatre and exhibitions of ceramic pottery.
Namnit owns his own dress suit. He is on the board of five charities, and donates anonymously to seven others. He sees the best in everyone and helps to bring that out. To steal Lee Child’s phrase about his character Jack Reacher: men want to be him, women want to be with him.
Namnit would never steal anyone’s phrase. He too has a blog (and is on Facebook and Twitter, where he has four thousand followers), but his blog is a useful daily dose of spiritual encouragement and practical advice. He uses it to promote meditation, a greener planet, fairtrade products and less slagging of gingers (since we are not ginger this is a typically selfless act).
He does not have a pacemaker. His heart is too good for anything to ever go wrong with it.
I hope I never meet him. He sounds like a right git.