Out on Parole

I’ve been released for the weekend on compassionate grounds (there were no tea bags left), so have the chance to return briefly to blogging before resuming my 13-hour days on Monday.

So, what to write about?

I could bitch about my week at work, except that the number of times that I’d have to use the word “fuck” would cause Spellcheck to melt.

I could tell you what the Tinkids have been up to, except that I don’t know.

I could write about Mrs Tin, except that she doesn’t like me to.

So I’ve decided to discuss the news issues of the week, like a grown-up blog. The only problem is that I haven’t seen the news.

Not to worry, I’ve been around long enough to know that the news rarely changes. Here is a summary of what I’m sure happened while I’ve been away:

• Economists have written that Ireland’s economy may not now recover until 2146. The papers are full of gloom because of this, forgetting that these are the same economists who used to say that our boom will go on forever, in other words a collection of twitwits whose predictions are as reliable as those guys who predict every year that we will have a great summer because frogs spent the winter months facing east instead of west.
• Having at various times blamed Lehman Brothers, the downturn in the world economy and selfish tax exiles for our current plight (i.e., everyone but themselves), our government have now said that it is the fault of the Vikings, who fecked off backed to Scandinavia in the 11th century instead of staying here to develop a vibrant longboat-building industry.
• World Charades Cup (yes, of course there’s such a thing) reigning champion Johan Stavinsky has lost his crown after he sprained his left wrist the day before the final, in which he had to appear wearing a sling. His attempts at miming “it’s a film”, “it’s a book” and “it’s a play” were interpreted by the audience as “it’s a fishing-rod”, “it’s a plate” and “it’s a windscreen wiper”, and his attempt at “first word – the” was continuously guessed at as “first word – one”. He was asked afterwards what he thought of the organisers who refused to allow him a couple of days to recover, and his mime of “wankers” was unfortunately all too easily readable.
• Just how poor we are regarded as being by the rest of the world is illustrated by the fact that Madonna has enquired about adopting Irish children (by the way, Madge, I’ve a selection of three, and am open to any reasonable offer).
• Scientists have determined that dolphins are not really cleverer than humans, since they wear permanent inane grins and will clap at anything. They also point out that a dolphin can’t breathe if you cover its hole. At least we can put on trousers without suffocating.
• Chilean miner Enrico Pablo Morales (I can’t be bothered to look up one of their real names) has said they have much to be grateful for. “At leest wee are freee now,” he said. “Over in Dubleen a man called Teenman is steel trapped in hees offeece.”