We were talking in the kitchen at work during the week when I heard one of the girls refer to “scottage cheese”.

She hadn’t of course, she said “cottage cheese”, but by the time this was cleared up I had already decided what a great idea this was, using scotch to improve a product which basically has the taste and texture of a slab of white sick. I am going to patent this idea, and also its sister product in which the cottage cheese will be left out altogether, so that all you get is scotch to spread on your crackers.

Not content with this I intend marketing a whole new range of foodstuffs using the same principle of adding a couple of letters to the front of existing foods. See which ones tingle your taste buds…

Spice Cream. Ice-cream with more adult flavours. Try our chili & curry-sauce flavour, it gives you brain freeze and a burnt mouth at the same time. What happens when you next go for a poo is anyone’s guess.

Tweetabix. A breakfast cereal containing a maximum of 140 little flecks of wheat.

Discustard. Custard with the skin left on top.

Spot noodle. Minced pet dog served in a plastic pot. No change there then.

Chrissoles. Beef patties made in the shape of Our Lord on the cross. For those who prefer fish to meat, we also do Jesushi, made from bits of two loaves and five fishes.

Svenison. Swedish meatballs made from Santa’s reindeer.

Hashish kebab. Gives you the munchies and satisfies them at the same time.

Fartichokes. The world’s most pungent plant, for people who think garlic is for wusses. Can clear a room faster than an impromptu karaoke competition.

Erminestrone. Essentially, stoat soup.

Stiffin. Traditional chocolate-biscuit cake, with crushed viagara.

Scabbage. I don’t want to gross you out, so I’ve settled on vegetables grown by people who aren’t members of a trade union.

Repizza. Toppings include radish, cucumber and, of course, fartichoke.

And finally, snoodles. Not sure of the ingredients, but on those romantic evenings in front of a roaring fire, snoodles sound like exactly the kind of treat you’d like to lick off your partner’s tummy. The next course is usually shaggis.

Bon appetit.


5 thoughts on “Shamburger

  1. Jo

    Ahahahahahahahahahaa. I don’t know which one to choose as the best. I can tell you ‘fartchokes’ was my daughter’s first ever but please don’t take that the wrong way … it did convince me of her genius then. Ugh, it’s a toss up between Stiffin and stoat soup. Beautiful.


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