Pantomime Horse

Somewhere I saw England’s World Cup campaign described as “a pantomime”. While fully mindful of the fact that we weren’t there at all and therefore have no right to mock, what is a blog for if not to mock things you have no right to, so I would venture to suggest that it was in fact a series of pantomimes, as the scenes below will illustrate…

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Cinderella

Cinders (Wayne Rooney): Why can’t I get to the ball?

Buttons (David Beckham, in that suit): Because the coach is a pumpkin.

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Mother Goose

Mother Goose (one of the WAGs, don’t ask me which one, they all look the same): We’re rich! Our goose has laid a golden egg! Show the boys and girls, Jack!

Jack (Rob Green); Er, sorry Mum, I’ve dropped it.

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Little Red Riding Hood

Red Riding Hood (Alan Hansen): oh Granny, what big ears you have!

The Wolf (Gary Lineker): Fuck off.

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Whatever Panto Widow Twankey is in

Widow Twankey (John Terry): I’m going to tell Baron Hardup what I think of him.

Rest of Team: We’re behind you!

Widow Twankey: Right, Baron, I’m not happy with the way you’re running things, and the lads here said they agree with me.

Rest of Team: Oh no we didn’t!

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Aladdin

The Wizard (Fabio Capello): New Lamps for old!

Aladdin (England’s fans): We bloody wish.

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Carry On Pant(o)ing

Bored Housewife (Barbara Windsor): Can you fix my washing machine? It’s a 4-5-1.

Washing Machine Repairman (Ashley Cole, played by Sid James): A 4-5-1, eh? Can I play in the hole?

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The Frog Prince

The Prince (Thierry Henry): quick, kiss me, or I will turn into a frog!

Young Girl (Gabby Roslin): er, too late.

(I know, nothing to do with England, and very naughty, but the handball still hurts)

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Cinderella, Act 2

Prince (Sepp Blatter, entering to a fanfare of horns, trumpets and bloody vuvuzelas): I have here the Golden Boot. It will fit only the highest scorer in the World Cup.

Ugly Sister (Emile Heskey): Can I try it on?

Prince: Don’t be ridiculous.

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Three Blind Mice

The Farmer’s wife (Frank Lampard): That was a goal, wasn’t it?

The Mice (the ref, the linesman & Sepp Blatter): Listen mate, we’re not called the Three Blind Mice for nothing.

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The Final Scene (of all of the above)

A. Reporter (a reporter): So, Dame, now that it’s all over, what are your plans?

The Dame: (Fabio Capello, again): Well, either I will stay on as England manager, and get pots and pots of gold, or they will sack me, and I will get pots and pots of gold. Either way (all together, boys and girls) I will live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

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