Living Doll

The recent marital problems of couples like Ronan & Yvonne Keating, Cheryl & Ashley Cole and Tiger & Elin Woods just emphasise how hard it is to maintain a celebrity relationship. I am reminded of the sad tale of one of the most famous couples of all…

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The girl we all know as Barbie was born Barbara Millicent Roberts (seriously, look it up), and was the quintessential Daddy’s girl. While she was not as bright as her sister, Margaret Hilda, who went to the UK and took up politics, her adoring father still spared no expense on her education, so that by the age of 17 she already had a pilot’s licence, a black-belt in judo and the ability to say “dressing up is fun!” in 22 languages.

Having been blessed with a remarkably pert bust and legs that went on forever it was no surprise that she took up modelling, and it was during a TV commercial shoot that she first met Ken Carson. Ken was a struggling young actor who’d had a few small roles – he’d been rescued by the Thunderbirds, blown up by Team America and, wearing a false wig and moustache, had spent six months as the Swedish chef in The Muppet Show. They went for dinner a few times (Barbie got to wear some of her best frocks) and soon became girlfriend and boyfriend.

Their first vacation together was not a success, as it exposed the fact that they had totally different interests. Barbie spent the holiday horse-riding, water-skiing, lion-hunting, kayaking, bull-fighting, space-shuttle driving and, bizarrely, rickrolling (get your Rick Astley Barbie, only €22.99), while Ken sat moodily at the pool oiling his abs and nursing a hernia, since he’d been the one who’d had to carry her suitcases.

The real problem, though, was that Ken couldn’t handle being with a woman more successful than he was. After all, Barbie was the most recognisable skinny girl on the planet (eat your heart out, SJP), while most people wouldn’t be able to pick Ken out of a line-out consisting only of him, Captain Scarlet and Alec Baldwin. Furthermore, his association with her was affecting his acting career, as he was now being offered only the kind of roles that had previously gone to Hugh Grant. Depressed, he turned to heavily to drink. Suddenly Ken having a six-pack was no longer a good thing, so the couple decided to split, which they announced through their publicity agents, Mattel (they couldn’t afford Max Clifford).

See the resemblance?

Things turned out pretty well in the end for Ken, though. After a wild period during which he had a string of girlfriends, including Sindy, one of the Bratz and Florence from The Magic Roundabout, he then amazed everyone by finding true love – with a gonk (that’s her over there ->). In time they settled down and got married, and eventually had twin boys, whom they named John and Edward.

And what of Barbie? Well, she turned 50 last year and still looks as beautiful as ever, though some say this is due to plastic surgery (in fairness to Barbie, it’s the only kind can she get). In recent times she has been seen in the company of Action Man. While he is 7 years her junior he shares her passion for dangerous and adventurous pursuits, with a separate outfit for each one. He is also still single, so Barbie’s adoring fans may yet have their deepest wish, and she may yet get to wear her most special dress of all.

She’d want to hurry, though. Rumour is that Lara Croft has her eye on him.

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3 thoughts on “Living Doll

  1. Kick Out The Jams

    I can’t believe Ken could be a father considering he likes a vital component. Or has the prosthetics industry moved on that much?

    Reply

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