It’s time I came clean with myself.
I keep deluding myself that I have Bloggers Block, and can’t think of anything to write about. That’s not really the problem. I have plenty I should be saying, and just don’t want to say it.
The simple fact is that I’m quite down at the moment about how slowly my getting better is going, and have refused to put that in writing. After I first went to see my shrink (a sentence I’m still astonished to find myself using) I felt that I was actually on the road to recovery. Of course I knew that one visit and a couple of days of new drugs weren’t going to cure me overnight. Of course I knew I had a long road ahead, but still felt really hopeful.
And, thus wearing my happy head, I’ve produced about six weeks of cheerful bloggery, some of which I’m really quite proud of, and was looking forward to continuing in this vein until my declining years (declining what, I wonder? Drink? Cigars? It?).
Of course (again) I knew there would be times when I’d feel frustrated at my slow progress, and vowed to recognise that frustration as a good sign in itself, a sign that the derealised drifting from day to day was giving way to more awareness and emotion about my illness, and therefore more awareness and emotion about life as a whole. And in general I have, even though I’ve started waking at four a.m. again, and once that happens the days just become daze. But recognising that there will be setbacks and accepting them when they come is one thing, but being happy all the time about it is another.
So I’ve had nothing funny to say (yeah, yeah, I know), and should have been saying this instead. After all, this is my safety valve, an outlet for my frustrations, angers and fears as much as for my desire to be entertaining (one of my strongest needs, I have to admit). But I’d been enjoying writing the lighter stuff, and just didn’t want to go back to, well, whinging.
And I know you won’t all look at it like that, and I know you’ll be concerned and supportive, and I hope you all know that your encouragement really, really helps me, but I just didn’t feel like putting you all through it again.
Which was wrong. You’ve all stuck with me this long, I should have realised sooner that I could dump on you all again.
That’s what friends are for, and that’s how I think of you lot.
And I’m gonna hit publish now, before I get embarrassed about that last sentence.
Worth Doing Badly 
Oh Tinman. You know you can dump on your interweb chums cause we’re not going to see you in the street and make signs twirling our finger in a circle near our heads indicating that we think you’re going crackers.
Also, you’re such an entertaining fucker, your posts when you’re marinating in yourself are just as good as your other ones.
It must be a frustrating journey you’re on, but I still reckon that since you can talk about it, it is a good sign. Think of writing for us as therapy.
Chin up, hurling a virtual hug your way. Catch!
How about an uncomfortable glance and nod, or manly handshake?
For what it’s worth, I think you have a lot you can be proud of yourself for.
I want to make a crucial point about that last bit. When you think you whinge, but really you are saying what is on your mind, you probably make quite a few people (including me) feel less alone because you are also not doing just peachy all the time. Think about it – you are doing the internet a huge favour!
Seriously, though? I feel just the same (also a bit embarrassed now). Big hug. And make yourself a cup of tea. Or something stronger. Take care of yourself.
Actually laughykate, I will probably see Tinman on the street and will make a point of twirling my finger round my head. I might even buy him a box of crackers.
Of course, he will probably tell me to fuck right off.
Anyway Tinman, as laughykate and Mwa say what you write is worth reading and if it is a form of virtual therapy then so much the better. We won’t be leaving you alone…
Wot Mwa said. I dunno about the rest of them, but it certainly makes me feel less alone in my personal crackerbarrel to read about life in yours.
Plus you say it very well, which I wouldn’t if I tried to say it.
PS Maybe you could work out some reward system for yourself. One funny post then one whinging post.
I’m not sure which is the reward, but we’d appreciate both.
Actually, that’s much better.
I don’t think there’s any miracle cure, really. But I presume you’re in contact with ‘your shrink’ and looking at doses and stuff? The medication is a little hit and miss. It’sa good sign it helped your sleeping, but maybe it needs tweaking?
They don’t really know how it all works, you know.
Hugs, Jo
*virtual warriors grip*
(sorry i’ve read too many david gemmell fantasy novels)
You see?
Thanks, guys.
Plus I’m starting to realise I’m not the maddest person on this blog 🙂
I know for a fact that morgor’s been wearing his Halloween ninja cloak around the house.
Maybe you should get a cape.