Oranges and Lemons

I was sitting half-asleep in our kitchen eating my breakfast this morning, when suddenly I realised that this box was on the counter in front of me.


What is the world coming to? Cad an fuck are Pomegranate and Raspberry wheats? (Cad an fuck is a pomegranate, for that matter)?

I wonder is there a department in all the major cereal companies where the staff gather to smoke dope and then see how far can they go before they come up with a flavour the public won’t stomach. Butterscotch and Papaya. Zuccini and Rosehip. Cloudberry and Lasagne.

Perhaps they even make up names to see if we’ll cop-on. “Try our new Cometberry and Pajamafruit Wheats”.

At the risk of sounding all Monty-Python’s-Four-Yorkshiremen-Sketch, ’tis far from pomegranate and raspberry we were reared. When we were kids we walked eleven miles across the fields to school in our bare feet, carrying one sod of turf each for the school fire and another one to eat for our lunch. At school we learned twenty-two subjects, including Latin, Hebrew and Erse, with lessons puncuated every fifteen minutes by a rousing rendition of the National Anthem and yet another brief reminder that the British were bastards who had reduced our fair land to poo. After school we would walk the twelve miles back across the fields (often tilling them as we went) and be served a dinner of boiled vole before heading off to our night-time job in the slurry pit.

And to set ourselves up for this trying (if slightly exaggerated) day we would be given breakfast before we went. In those days there was a choice of just two cereals. By this I mean your mother had a choice of which she put in front of you, not that YOU had a choice in which you got. There was Cornflakes, which tasted like, well, Cornflakes. Everyone knows what they taste like, so there’s little point in comparing them to anything else.

And then, oh God, there was porridge. A cement-like sludge made up of 74% greyness and 26% lumps, this performed the same function for your stomach that foam insulation performs for cavity block walls. You could have got the same effect with a whale-blubber milkshake, and it would probably have tasted better.

And now our kids get Pomegranate and Raspberry Wheats. Meh.

Hang on though. If a bowl of it counts as two of your five daily fruit servings, I might give it a go.

It’d be better than actually having to eat fruit.

10 thoughts on “Oranges and Lemons

  1. Jo

    Actually I bought the Blueberry ones but my wee fella was having none of it. They taste horribly synthetic.

    The original Kellogs Raisin Wheats are super gorgeous though. God, I love cereal. Even porridge. MmMM porridge…

  2. Jo

    Weevils are teeny tiny little brown bugs you get in the flour. How do Wheats look like weevils?

    Such a lovely word, weevilweevil.

    Porridge rocks, if you do it right. And it’s good for increasing breast milk supply.

  3. Holemaster

    I eat porridge most mornings. Soak it overnight in a bowl of low fat milk, heat up gently for a few minutes. Serve up with a dollop of honey. Works a treat and no lumps.

    More pics of the kitchen Tinman, I’m very nosey.

  4. The Sexy Pedestrian

    Those look gross. I bought some kind of chocolate muesli concoction in Aldi recently only to discover it was 95% chocolate chip and 5% muesli. I’d imagine there are some very pleased children of Aldi shoppers around.

  5. Tinman18

    Good old Aldi. I believe their standards are getting better. I’ve been told that some of their cheeses are great.

    I hear though, that their white pudding is cat. Possibly literally.


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