I Wuz Robbed

There was a prize for last place on the Eurovision draw at work.

With about 36 juries gone and just six to go,Lithuania were a full seven points behind everybody else. They had amassed 14 points at that stage, out of a possible 432. Even near neighbours Estonia had only given them two. They were looking good, by which I mean really bad.

Then they were given seven. By Ireland.

Still, not too bad, I could still share the prize. Then the second last jury, Azerbaijan (seriously? they’re in Europe?), gave them one, which put them ahead of Finland.

Gutted.

Incidently, Eurovision’s website now reveals that Ireland finished 11th in their semi-final, so missed out by just one place.

In the first semi, Czech Republic got no points at all. I have pointed this out to GoldenEyes here at work, who says that the competition is stupid.

Exactly what we say whenever we do really badly.

Classy Crap

So, the Eurovision Song Contest takes place tonight, without Ireland. The girls were really good, and did themselves proud, but it was not to be.

The Tinfamily will still watch it. It is one of those things that we all do together. There are those who say that its rubbish, that the songs are crap, that the voting is too parochial, that some of the acts are laughably over the top, and to those people the Tinfamily will simply say “er, we know”.

A show does not necessarily have to be classy to be enjoyable, and the Eurovision is the supreme example of a show that doesn’t take itself too seriously. That was the problem with us entering Dustin the Turkey last year, we tried to make a laugh of a show that already knows how to laugh at itself.

Tonight we will make an event of it. We will sit with popcorn and drinks, with a sheet of paper for taking notes. Each song will have a comment written after it, so that, during the voting, if Ukraine, say, get twelve points we can just look at the list and say “oh, yeah, the girl in the red outfit in the hamster cage” (I’m not making that up, incidentally).

And we will give each song marks out of ten. From years of doing this I have discerned that Tingirl has the kindest personality, as she seldom gives anyone less than three. Not surprisingly I have the worst, frequently giving songs zero, and very occasionally minus zero (I’m not let go any lower). Not only do I give songs zero, I often write it down before the song has even started, simply by the look of the singer (a big hello to Greece tonight, by the way).

Lithuania

So what of tonight? Norway are the favourites, and their song is just bad enough to justify that. The afore-mentioned Ukraine is energetic and fun, and I see them as dark horses. I was hoping to get them in the draw at work, but got Lithuania instead. They are first on, a guy in a trilby singing a song that starts sounding like Queen before recoiling from such a display of possible talent and drifting off into mediocrity. My favourite song is Estonia’s, which means it has no chance. I like Turkey because the girl is singing in her bra.

Turkey - God, I'm shallow

And there is a theory in the Tinfamily that Portugal enter the same song every year just to see if anyone will notice, and we have visions of a big party in Lisbon each year when they get away with it again.

Anyway, we will laugh, shout at the voting patterns, give out about the song that wins, and ten minutes after it ends we’ll have to struggle to remember who did win.

It’s perfect disposable Saturday night TV.

Eurothrashed

This day one year ago is where it all started to go wrong for us.

All through the early part of last year we were still the success story of Europe, feted in the world’ s media as the ultimate example of how to have an economic boom, winning Triple Crowns and golf Majors in spite of our tiny population, sending Bono and Geldof abroad to chastise world leaders, and providing employment for much of the rest of Europe while only slightly condescending to them as we did so.

What were we thinking?

Then, one year ago today, we decided it would be great gas to enter a puppet in the Eurovision Song Contest. Having fetched Europe a stinging slap across the face with this, we smote its other cheek just one month later by rejecting the Lisbon Treaty.

The gods looked down, tutted, and said “D’ya know what, the Irish are really getting up themselves”.

It’s never good to give the gods cause for tut. So look as us now – bewildered, bank-burdened and banjaxed. We’re dropping hints that if we’re let vote on Lisbon again, we’ll fall over ourselves to let Europe know how much we really love them. We’re selling our properties in Hungary and Bulgaria so we won’t be vilified as absentee landlords (and, admittedly, because we’re broke). We forelock-tugged gratefully when Barack Obama agreed to the Paddy’s Day ceremony, instead of just turning up as if we owned the place, as had been our wont.

We haven’t totally ditched the hubris – while the rest of the world has had a recession, we just had to have the most spectacular one, not just of now, but of all time. Slowly, though, we are learning humility.

So tonight we’re entering the Eurovision with a simple girl band. Best of luck tonight to Sinead Mulvey and Black Daisy. I don’t know how we’ll fare – it’s still largely a phone vote, and virtually everyone in Europe has a relative who’s worked in Spar here and been abused because of his accent – but at least we’re not taking the piss.

There may be hope for us yet.

Nul Political Points

Georgia’s entry has been banned from this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

Political lyrics are not allowed, and the European Broadcasting Union has decreed that the song “We Don’t Wanna Put In” is having a go at Vladimir Putin, so they won’t be allowed to sing it in the contest, which this year is in… Moscow.

I find it endearing that the Georgians actually thought that the EBU would let them away with this, and that they hoped that the joke would go right over the heads of their giant neighbours with the huge guns, massive army and already-demonstrated short temper.

Our own song “Silly Queen”, a song poking fun at Freddie Mercury, will go ahead as planned.