Sidey’s theme for last weekend was “should that be there?”…
“Should that be there?” asked Gabriel.
“Should what be there?” asked God.
The two stood, Frankenstein-and-Igor-like, at the slab upon which the body of what would become Adam lay, for the moment inert.
“That little dent in the middle of his tummy,” said Gabriel.
“It’s called his belly-button,” said God.
“Ah, a button,” said Gabriel. “That explains it. What happens it you press it?”
“Er, well, nothing,” admitted God. “That’s just it’s name. I just thought his torso looked a bit featureless without it.”
“Not really,” said Gabriel, “because there are these two…”
“…nipples,” said God.
“Nipples,” said Gabriel. “And what do they do?”
“Well, on a man,” said God, “ also nothing.”
“I see,” said Gabriel, in the tone of somebody who doesn’t often get to poke fun at his boss, and is determined not to let the chance go by. “What are these?” he went on.
“Ear-lobes,” said God.
“And they do what, exactly?”
“Um,” said God, then realised that he was tugging at one while he was trying to invent an answer. “They help you think,” he said, a bit desperately.
Gabriel raised one eyebrow, which at least stopped him asking what eyebrows were for, which had been going to be his next question.
“Ok, said God. “The ear-lobes don’t do anything either.”
“I see. Is there any part of him that actually does stuff?”
“Of course,” said God. “He can carry things in his arms, walk on his legs, stand on his tippy-toes.”
“Why would he want to do that?” asked Gabriel.
“So he can reach up to things that are too high for him,” said God.
“Why not just make him taller?”
God, who hadn’t thought of that, decided to ignore the question. “Then there‘s his arse,” he continued. “He can sit on it, scratch it, and talk through it.”
“How can he talk through it if he’s sitting on it? All you’ll hear is a muffled noise, he’ll sound like a railway station announcer.”
“Like a what?” asked God.
“Um, no idea,” said Gabriel. “The term just popped into my head.”
“I suppose you’re right, though,” said God. “I’ll have him talk from someplace else.”
God though for a few seconds. “His nose,” he said eventually.
“Then how will he smell?”
“Terrible,” said God, straight-faced.
“Oh, come on, not that old joke.”
“How can it be old? This is only the sixth day.”
“Some things are just always old,” said Gabriel. “Anyway, is there anything else this apparently multi-talented arse can do?”
“Yes,” said God. “It’s also for farting.”
“To keep him amused. Man will find farting funny, at any age. Don’t ask me why, even I don’t know, and I know everything.”
“And this bit here,” said Gabriel, and God groaned inwardly. “What’s it called?”
“Er, it’s his thing,” said God.
“His thing? That’s the best name you could come up with?”
“It’s just so odd looking, I haven’t been able to think of anything else yet.”
“And should it be there?”
“I think so,” said God. “I have this idea that it could be used in some sort of procreative way, though I’m not sure yet how, or with who.”
“But at the moment it’s just a load of balls,” said Gabriel.
“Actually, that’s not bad,” said God. “That’s what I’m going to call it.”
“Let’s face it, he’s a bit of a mess, isn’t he?” said Gabriel.
“Yes,” admitted God. “Look, I spent a whole week creating the sun and stars, and the earth, and beasts of the field, and even the firmament, after I’d looked up what a firmament is. I just threw Man together at the last minute, so that I could have tomorrow off.”
He looked down sadly at his creation, then frowned. “Hang on,” he said, “that shouldn’t be there.”
“That rib,” said God. “There’s one more on this side than on the other.” He took the rib from the body (“Eeeuuwww”, said Gabriel) and looked thoughtfully at it.
“I’m going to have another go,” he said. He waved a hand, and another body, like the first one yet not quite exactly, appeared beside Adam. “This is Man 2.0,” said God. “though I‘m going to call it woman. I’m going to find uses for the nipples, and the ear-lobes-”
“Yes, she’s going to dangle things out of them.”
“Why? So she can pick up long-range radio?”
“Shut up,” said God. “She will be a better model in every way. In fact some women might become models.”
“And will she fart?” asked Gabriel.
“Women won’t fart,” said God. “They will be quite definite about this, even sometimes in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.”
“Then what will her arse -”
“It’ll be called a bottom on a woman,” said God. “What it will do is sway when she walks.”
“What good is that?” asked Gabriel.
“It will change the world,” said God. “Just watch.” He waved a hand, and Eve got up and walked across the room. God and Gabriel watched in silence.
“Wow,” said Gabriel eventually. “I see what you mean.”