The imminent release of the movie Abraham Lincoln – Vampire Hunter is a reminder to all of us that many well-known characters with far too much time on their hands take to other jobs in order to keep themselves busy. Here is a short list of some of the best known …
Hannibal – Ringmaster. All of us know that Hannibal crossed the Alps with a lots of elephants. Most of us, though, know little else, vaguely remembering that he was a either a Hun (shouting “dumbkoff!” a lot), a Vandal (football hooligan) or a Goth (depressed and dressed all in black). In fact he was owner of a great circus, as we would know had we learnt the second verse, “hundreds of custard-pies Hannibal had, when Hannibal crossed the Alps”.
Tom and Katie – X-Files solvers. Tom Cruise is the Mulder of the pair, passionately believing that aliens, in particular the great Xanu, really exist. Katie Holmes is the more sceptical Scully. She does believe, though, that the loot is out there, in Scientology bank accounts to be exact, and would frankly rather that it had stayed in theirs.
Bertie the Bounty Hunter. The ex-leader of our country will go anywhere and do anything to collect money, whether as hand-outs, lecture fees, loans, gifts or money won on horses. Once appeared in an ad for the News of the World sitting in a kitchen cupboard drinking a cup of tea. That’s probably the funniest line in this post, but sadly it’s true.
Maggie Thatcher – Tomb Raider. Moves around the world taking valuable artifacts, the epitome of capitalism. Try not to picture her in the outfit, though, or you won’t sleep at night.
Lady Gaga – Wonder Woman. Feel free to picture her in the outfit, I certainly have. She carries a whip and can spin around in a circle without getting dizzy – proof enough for me.
Arnold Schwarzenegger – Robot. Seriously, just look at him in real life – wooden, expressionless, monotonic. His decision to play the part of a robot was a stroke of genius, the ultimate example of hiding in plain sight.
Simon Cowell – The Hulk. As any crap singer who’s ever screeched out “My Heart Will Go On” on the X-factor knows, don’t make him angry – you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. The mystery, though, of how all of the Hulk’s clothes rip and fall off whenever he hulks while his trousers prudishly stay on is solved by considering the high-waisted huge ones that Simon wears.
The Queen – Consulting Detective. From her lodgings in Central London the Queen and her loyal-but-dumb sidekick, Prince Philip, travel the country in a horse-drawn carriage, where she solves crimes with her incisive brand of questioning (“and what do YOU do?”). Her defeat of the Corgi of the Baskervilles, a huge beast almost a foot tall, is a classic example of the expert use of a slipper.
I’d write more (Kenny Rogers - Werewolf was coming next), but I have to leave. The Tinsignal has appeared in the sky, and I must slip into my mask and skin-tight suit (steady, girls) and head off in the Tinmobile to protect Greystones City from the Penguin.
It’s been a very cold winter, he’s migrated here and is eating all of the fish-fingers in Tesco.