Ronaldo Doesn’t Clear the Wall

Cristiano Ronaldo wrote off his Ferrari yesterday morning.

I do have a heart, even if it’s powered by a metal box, so had he been killed or seriously injured I would not be mentioning this at all, unless it were to mourn the waste of one so young and so talented.

He’s fine, however, so he’s fair game.

I must preface what ’s to follow be stating that I am a United fan (I realise that for many of you, already stunned by previous admissions that I watch Big Brother and used to play cricket, this will be the final straw, and I will miss you), but some people just beg to be made fun of.

The first thought that will leap into the mind of anyone who’s seen him play is that his trademark step-over was the cause of his problems, in that he got his feet mixed-up and rammed the accelerator instead of the brake. The next is to wonder was he trying that trick where he looks in one direction and heads off in the other – “giving you the eyes”, it’s called.

Looks like him, doesn't it?

Then you wonder what happened when the airbag went off and hit him in the chest. Did he immediately fall over holding his ankle, and then leap up looking for someone to brandish an imaginary card at?

Another possibility, of course, is that he was day-dreaming, thought he was in Madrid instead of Manchester, and was driving on the wrong side of the road.

Like owner, like car

And then you get to thinking about his car. Looks fairly bad above, doesn’t it? But remember that this is Ronaldo’s car. Is it actually damaged at all? Will it lie there, collect the insurance, and then wink at other Ferraris when it thinks no-one is looking?

Here comes Edwin

My favourite part of the story is that United’s goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Sar arrived along shortly after. Edwin, who’s 38 and as laid-back as Wayne Rooney isn’t, was driving not a Ferrari but a Bentley, and I’ve a mental image of him wearing a tweed cap and driving gloves, and listening to Radio 3, chugging slowly by like the tortoise drifting past the hare.

Anyway, all’s well that ends well. To end on a slightly serious note, I’ve always been astonished that so few footballers have been killed over the years in cars. When I was Ronaldo’s age I had a Datsun Sunny, and drove it at such speeds that I reckon the only reason I never got speeding tickets is that I used to register on Speed Guns as a UFO. I can only shudder to think what would have happened if I could have afforded a Ferrari.