Fianna Fáil town councillors have received a letter from Minister for Transport Noel Dempsey asking them to provide party headquarters with reasons why they should be nominated to run again in next year’s local elections.” Irish Times, 9th August.
To:Mr Noel Dempsey, Minister for Transport
From: Tinman Eighteen, Town Councillor
Dear Noel,
I was surprised and slightly hurt to receive your letter asking me to outline why I should be nominated to continue to represent the 430 residents of Kullinaskilly, as I have done for the last 11 years. Putting aside my personal feelings for the sake of the Party (as I have always done – look at how I withdraw my name at each General Election so that your blow-in gobshite from the next town can have a free run at the Dáil), I hereby set out my credentials.
1. My father was a Town Councillor here. As was his father. And his.
2. I have attended 233 funerals in the past 11 years.
3. I have appeared regularly on our local radio station defending our great former leader Bertie, making the following points on each occasion: (a) the Tribunals are a waste of money; (b) he’s giving full and frank answers, what’s their problem; (c) there’s nothing wrong with a dig-out; and (d) things were different then.
4. As you well know, Kullinaskilly is famous for its Wishing Stone, a large boulder in a field which is believed to grant wishes if it is hugged tightly. I was responsible for obtaining planning permission for the Wishing Stone Interpretative Centre which was built just half-a-mile from the Stone at a keen cost of just €45 million by my cousin (also a dedicated FF member).
5. I have made sure my name is kept in the public eye, as one of my election posters is still on an ESB pole at the south entrance to the town, more than three full years since the last election.
6. I have travelled widely on fact-finding missions on behalf of my constituents, and am now an authority on, among other things, the construction of nuclear power-stations (Hamburg, October 2006), the control of traffic in larger cities (New York, December 2004), the conservation of water in a time of drought (Melbourne, January 2007) and the maintenance of municipal golf-courses (Algarve, May 2008). None of my expertise in any of these matters has yet been used by the people of Kullinaskilly, so it would seem foolish to remove me now and potentially have all this knowledge go to waste whenever it is needed.
7. I fully supported the party line on the Lisbon Treaty Referendum. I was regrettably unable to canvass door-to-door (the proper irrigation of paddy-fields, Hong Kong, June 2008), but I told constituents who asked my opinion (both of them) that it was a good thing, and have no doubt that my efforts contributed to the resounding Yes vote which I’m sure the country delivered.
8. I was instrumental in twinning Kullinaskilly with Lanzarote in the Canary Islands, which means that I have to visit there on a courtesy call for one week each February.
9. I obtained Lottery funding for a new field and clubhouse for our local GAA Club, Kullinaskilly Plunketts. The amount of one-off housing and ribbon development on the outskirts of the town (another proud achievement of mine) meant that unfortunately the only field available was Wishing Stone Field, and the Stone itself had to be removed as it was slap bang in the middle of the small parallelogram. Luckily, since all the road signs lead to the Interpretative Centre rather than the Stone itself, none of the tourists have noticed yet.
I’m confident that this brief summary of my achievements will be sufficient to convince you to continue to allow me serve my constituents as they deserve. I am equally confident that, once selected, I will be too busy to give media interviews where I might be asked questions about how our local TD got permission for a 12-bedroom spanish-type bungalow, how our Cumann president got off his drink-driving charge or why there are only 42 TV licences in a town with 295 houses.
Yours in Fianna Fáil
Tinman “The Fixer” Eighteen.
